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Talking to the Echo

By TrishSaunders, May 14, 2017.

More work by TrishSaunders
  1. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor


    I'm speaking to that hollow core in you—

    the empty shirt box
    back
    from the dry cleaners, and

    I know these words
    have no effect on you,
    no more than a vacant bus stop cares
    about cars whizzing past it,

    but if my plea is a series of empty phrases, so is yours—
    torn bits of paper are meant to blow across streets,
    unnoticed, aren’t they?

    knowing this, I’m still trying.
    how could I not throw a cold, unreturnable kiss?
     
  2. don chance

    don chance "~Happy Buddha~"

    Trish, I really like this piece.  I get lost on the line here

    "but if my plea is a series of empty phrases,
    so is yours—"

    Everything else is beautiful.  JMHO
     
  3. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    hmmmm, will relook, thanks, D
     
  4. don chance

    don chance "~Happy Buddha~"


    Wait a minute, was not saying it didn't belong, just sorta missed the connection. Perhaps I am the
    empty shirt box.  Lol!
     
    TrishSaunders likes this.
  5. Anna Ruiz

    Anna Ruiz I have the same religion as that tree over there. Supporter

  6. Cheryl.Leverette

    Cheryl.Leverette I have 8 dollars. :) How much do you have?

    lovely writing, trish.
     
    TrishSaunders likes this.
  7. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks, Cheryl!
     
  8. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks, Anna....wouldn't it be wonderful to sing like roy orbison...damn, I sure wish I could sing.
     
  9. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    No, Don, that's fine, I'm glad you pointed out something that didn't click. something tells me you're NOT an empty shirt box.
     
    don chance likes this.
  10. Tim J Brennan

    Tim J Brennan Well-Known Member

    You have "you" references three times (out of 13) at the end of lines.   Not sure about that.  

    I like the "echo" take, especially tying it on the "unreturnable" kiss at the end.  Nice.

    Do shirts come in boxes from the dry cleaners?  Or would they be on hangers?  I think minor details like this (dry cleaners) could be edited out and it would tighten things up (e.g. "vacant" describing the bus stop).
     
  11. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    No, shirts come from the dry cleaners in boxes, if you request it.
    i think i will leave the dry cleaners in, but i will revisit those you's, thanks, Tim, though I count just two "you's at the end of lines. Hmmm.
     
  12. Tim J Brennan

    Tim J Brennan Well-Known Member

    I see you, you, and yours.  Hmmm.
     
  13. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Well, if that's all you don't like, I guess I'm doing good. I recommend boxed shirts by the way.
     
    silent lotus likes this.
  14. Tim J Brennan

    Tim J Brennan Well-Known Member

    I don't remember the last time I had anything dry cleaned, let alone a dress shirt delivered in a box.  And it isn't a matter of "like/don't like" your stuff.  I'm just offering suggestions to improve in areas that don't need it  ;)

    Carry on...
     
  15. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    yes, next....
     
  16. Douglas Goodwin

    Douglas Goodwin Unknown member

    Some original, evocative images here:

    "...speaking to that hollow core in you—
    the empty shirt box
    no more than a vacant bus stop cares
    about cars whizzing past
    a series of empty phrases
    torn bits of paper are meant to blow across streets,
    unnoticed
    throw a cold, unreturnable kiss..."

    Great work.
     
  17. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks, Douglas....that means a lot!
     
  18. Cameron McClure

    Cameron McClure Half man, half banana Supporter

    I’m speaking to that hollow core in you—
    I know these words will have no effect on you
    but if my plea is a series of empty phrases, so is yours—
    knowing this how could I not throw a cold, unreturnable kiss?

    Trish, this is the poem, the emotionally charged reasoning that recognises the “echo” in the other. I read the last line as offering understanding rather than proposing a bleak ending as even rhetorical questions invite answers that might just change outcomes. Among the other lines, the “torn bits of paper” contains just the right hint of cliché needed to fit the context. The shirt box is novel; was it chosen to gender-specific? The whole is slightly enigmatic but nevertheless makes for a satisfying read. C
     
  19. Tom Riordan

    Tom Riordan member Supporter

    The progression of images is great, Trish -

    empty shirt box from the dry cleaners,
    the cars whizzing past a vacant bus stop
    the bits of paper blown across the streets
    throwing a cold, unreturnable kiss.


    I'd reduce the explication around them, let them do more on their own. Tom
     
  20. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks Cameron.  I appreciate the parts you find contain the whole poem but  I think the extra lines are necessary as they contain internal rhyme meant to throw back an echo.   The feeling of talking to someone so not listening it's like he isn't there. Guess I don't see torn bits of paper as cliche but perhaps they are. I guess also that its obviously A deeply personal poem about an actual person.  Yes thanks for noticing the shirt box is gender specific...male
     
  21. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Hi Tom.   I will look at making some cuts.  Not sure what or if it's needed. Thanks always for the read!
     
    Tom Riordan likes this.
  22. Douglas Goodwin

    Douglas Goodwin Unknown member

    I agree. I think it's part of a great, unique line. I can see that street and I can feel what it means (to me, at least):

    "torn bits of paper are meant to blow across streets,
    unnoticed, aren’t they?"


    Yes, that comes across. It's quite clear. I think that's part of why it works so well.
     
    silent lotus likes this.
  23. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks again, Douglas....i'm very happy you see something in it.
     
    silent lotus likes this.
  24. Cameron McClure

    Cameron McClure Half man, half banana Supporter

    Don't get me wrong Trish, narrative without images is dry and images without narrative risk conveying the wrong message as readers' experiences can differ. A good poem is getting the balance; the other lines are needed and you have a good balance. I look for a poem to have only one meaning otherwise it has failed to communicate what the writer intended, therefore it is the narrative that often speaks to me the stronger. Others disagree and are happy to take their own meaning from a poem, but by doing so I think they lose out on the authentic relationship that is at the heart of the best art. They aren't listening. It was obviously a very personal poem - I mentioned it was enigmatic and it is almost esoteric - I wanted to know more about the relationship between the parties. Re torn bits of paper - I have read similar metaphors: life stories torn up and scattered, love written down and torn up, poems torn up and given to the wind, blank sheets of paper blowing, empty paper bags bowling along; but it was not that that gave the 'hint' of metaphor; rather, in your poem it is presented almost conversationally to the other party in a way that assumes it will be  immediately understood and may have been used between them before, as if the other party was also a poet. Maybe that presentation was unintentional, but in my mind it worked as it added to the personal nature of the poem.
     
  25. Douglas Goodwin

    Douglas Goodwin Unknown member

    Sometimes workshops, forums, other people, can be destructive to the creative process, or to the need to create...or to whatever it is. Because basically, other people suck. And that's part of the problem. And we all know it.
     
    TrishSaunders likes this.
  26. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thanks for the careful read, Cameron, I'm glad you did. You took the time to read and comment, and I'm very appreciative of it.
     
    Cameron McClure likes this.
  27. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Douglas, it's true....you have to know what to accept and not. I'm always glad when someone reads though. I respect your opinions highly, you know that.
     
    silent lotus likes this.
  28. Anna Ruiz

    Anna Ruiz I have the same religion as that tree over there. Supporter


    I wouldn't say that Douglas.  It's a matter of seeing the glass half empty/half full.

    And what we ourselves bring to the table.  A thief sees everyone as a potential thief....
    A liar... a liar...
     
  29. Cameron McClure

    Cameron McClure Half man, half banana Supporter

    Or a Microsoft engineer might see it as a storage device that is twice big as it needs to be;)
    Usually by the time something is posted the creative part has run its course. I know what you mean though, life's a bitch when you have to consider other people, but that's the choice - civilisation or war; when you stop being angry with one you can start being angry with the other.
     
    Heather Adams likes this.
  30. TrishSaunders

    TrishSaunders Member Supporter Editor

    Thank you, Lavonne, for the feature and .... for the editor's pick. Wow. Much touched.
     
    Tom Riordan likes this.

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