1. European Union compliance message: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.
More work by Dillon Witt
  1. Dillon Witt

    Dillon Witt Member

    Green Poem


    1

    lazy hazy wasting days in rain
    in the sticky sole-feet grass
    your pink smile and golden eyes
    so cunning    and bad

    the melancholy clouds
    and frowning poets' portraits
    stare at each other
    in contests:
    versus nature and nature's
    children

    I can smell the sadness
    of adults
    after a seasonal rain

    like a pack of stinky
    runaway dogs



    neighborhood porches
    shake with depression's
    thunders

    the kitties under the porch
    make me laugh
    but they also make me pause
    I feel warmth

    emotion worth purring about
    and about and about, around

    tails wrapped around posts



    inside
    the fire has a laugh

    and I rest

    I sit down thinking

    nothing truly important
    is going on

    outside



    thunder and lightening drops are rolling in under
    my bed
    as the cats lick and clean themselves

    coals under the fire wheeze
    I sneeze out another volley laugh
    trolley is off to school

    rule rule rhyme

    knuckle fist, the time o'clock
    is chocolate



    dinner's made with green eggs
    rotten

    as I stand up to question myself
    I turn down the music
    and another thunderclap
    turns me to stone I see
    eight sets of eyes
    lighting up across the way



    2

    days after rain
    are as cliché as the mundane,
    breakfast   made
    taken for granted

    though I think I feel
    a bit more stationary

    these days shine less
    but grow,
    live with color

    as if we all feel
    a little    electric



    my tails sway cats
    my tails wag dogs

    you know bark euphoric smile
    you know meow orgasm

    ooh on the roof
    kneading shingles loose

    ahh on the lawn
    rolling green



    pen garden paper
    stems and then pedals
    then bees

    bumbling birds bruise roses
    I think writing
    has made me insane or sick
    today

    but I still move gently
    as if nudged on by the breeze

    bees the breeze
    the gentle flowers

    everything gets me along



    3

    I mentioned you before
    but you weren't there with me
    I can only imagine your eyes,
    not your smile

    I can't see your outlines
    or line-out your thoughts

    you are just there and I know it

    staring at my present



    what kind of future
    passes through those eyes

    I concern
    as a verb
    digs into my ribs,
    I constrict and concern

    concerts ripple through the air
    and you lambast the sounds
    in your head



    the kitties are sleeping tidy tonight
    without a thunderstorm
    but a few neighboring puddles

    you scratch that space
    right below your eye

    I try to rise from my seat
    but the anxious
    weight
    numbs me to green

    you try to apologize for everything...

    and I hear screams
    breaking in

    from outside
     
  2. Jan Harper

    Jan Harper Well-Known Member

    k, back tomorrow to reply - tried earlier but the buttons had disappeared, they're back now but it's late. some really good stuff in this, Dillon!
     
    Dillon Witt likes this.
  3. Lance Rocks

    Lance Rocks Never Force

    Dillon, I have no objection to this kind of writing, but I didn't read past the first stanza. The reason was, first, the title, then, second, S1 needs a bunch of edits.

    Dillon, I'll explain myself now and please don't freak out. I have only so many typewritten words to elucidate my thoughts, ergo I don't waste them on niceties.

    (For the record, you're a swell guy with enough talent to warrant help and support.)

    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF YOUR READER

    You title this piece "Green Poem." But I can see that it's a poem, you don't have tell me. What do you think I am, stupid?

    (It's a poem because it looks like a poem on the page. So? If you have any interest in learning how to title poems, let me know.)

    EDITS

    lazy wasting days
    in rain
    the sticky-sole grass
    your pink smile so cunning   
    and bad


    Dillon, I have a specific reason for each of these edits. If you have any further interest, let me know!

    :   = )  Lance
     
    Dillon Witt likes this.
  4. Dillon Witt

    Dillon Witt Member

    I'm interested in your reasons for the edits, Lance! I appreciate the read.
    Dillon
     
    Lance Rocks likes this.
  5. James Spears

    James Spears Well-Known Member

    Dillon all of your work has really good stuff in it. You could benefit from condensed pieces, and giving your subjects a more personal eye.
     
    Dillon Witt likes this.
  6. Lance Rocks

    Lance Rocks Never Force

    ORIGINAL

    lazy hazy wasting days in rain
    in the sticky sole-feet grass
    your pink smile and golden eyes
    so cunning and bad

    EDITS​

    lazy wasting days
    in rain
    the sticky-sole grass
    your pink smile so cunning   
    and bad


    Dillon, I belive in distillation as a technique and use it all the time. My complete thoughts are often expressed prosodically because they are complete thoughts rather than expressionistic gestures, which I also use in First Draft writing.

    Whenever I see prose I edit down to verse or discard it, one or the other. This means I'm always looking for articles (a/an/the) and other prosodic helper-words for elimination. The justification for this procedure is that prose explains while verse presents. Verse is atavistic; prose is realistic. Where prose aims at the brain, verse aims at the sternum.

    You are writing verse of a variety I like, without marks of any kind. Be aware this tends to read sotto voice throughout. Be aware that in the world inhabited by 80% of Americans YELLING OCCASIONALLY OCCURS

    lazy hazy = a pop song about summer, not original

    lazy wasting days
    in rain.    = lineated in this fashion to direct enunciation during performance

    sticky sole-feet = the concept "feet" is contained within the word "sole"

    golden eyes = a trite and platitudinous image

    your pink smile so cunning
    and bad

    = this one is complex because "bad" is near-synonomous with "cunning," but not quite
       clarification is justified

    = the concept here is already a bit precious, but over-spacing the two terms on one line veers into parody

    = dropping "and bad" beneath "your pink smile so cunning" denotes a quarter-beat pause of breath at this point
       for clarity

    Thank you for letting me think about your poem, Dillon! My comments are directed toward new work going forward, rather than toward a rewrite of this particular piece.

    Lance
     
    Jan Harper likes this.
  7. Jay Dougherty

    Jay Dougherty Well Worn

    Overall this seems a bit too much like a diary to me, albeit a nicely written one. I like some passages, though, like this:

     
    Dillon Witt and Lance Rocks like this.
  8. Jan Harper

    Jan Harper Well-Known Member

    some condensing would sharpen this, Dillon, but i actually enjoyed the stream-of-thought way this read. i agree with lance's observations, and i'm still thinking about this piece. my favourite phrases are these:

     
  9. Dillon Witt

    Dillon Witt Member

    Lance, thank your for your directions. I also wanted to say I appreciate the direction of your critique toward future works. I believe this is some of the most helpful feedback that one can receive.
    Dillon
     
    Lance Rocks and Jay Dougherty like this.
  10. Nicole Michaels

    Nicole Michaels Well-Known Member


    Great lines here, very fresh and accessible.
     
  11. Anna Ruiz

    Anna Ruiz I have the same religion as that tree over there.

    1.  Condense.
    2.  Keep the most creative original lines.

    Keep on writing!
     
    Dillon Witt likes this.
  12. Desiree Wright

    Desiree Wright Alphabetter

    This was a Krispy Kreme Donut.

    "Everything gets me along."

    Wisdom for the ages. Loved your line
    breaks and how you singled   words.

    Much enjoyed.  D
     
    Dillon Witt likes this.
  13. Anna Ruiz

    Anna Ruiz I have the same religion as that tree over there.

    Rereading this today, it's like Campbell's soup--it's all in there.
     
    Dillon Witt and Ben Stubbs like this.
Tags: