S.Bailey:

This is a delightful (on the edge of what could become frightful) poem. 

The opening strophe could use some sharpening, as "tempting fate" [L1] seems weak (due to such an early "ing," coupled with somewhat of a too-soon cliche there).  Why not let the "two teens / without helmets / ride one puny / motorscooter"?  Your word work enables readers to watch them "tempting fate" throughout this poem's 'fun, yet dangerous' ride.  Alternatively stated, "tempting fate" can be omitted from this piece entirely without harm to the balance of sensation and story in the poem.

The occasional rhyme and alliterative moments enhance the "raciness" :)

Solid read, nicely done.

Take care.

Carol Elizabeth

I enjoyed this. I tend to love these slice-of-life pieces that end as quietly as they begin. Particularly enjoy the fact that you don't find yourself needing an ending that says "pronouncement."

One word I don't like: deadscape. It seems contrived and doesn't work with this piece, IMO.

Carol, I have to admit that I was not too happy with " Temping fate," and probably needed your nudge to encourage me to think further, so I'm thinking, "Heebie jeebie joyride. two teens/with no helmets/on one..."   It's so much fun to say out loud that I think it's almost too much, but still it's probably better.  What do you think?

Jay, I appreciate the comment.  Yes, in a way, 'deadscape' is contrived, because I haven't heard it used before, but look at it another way and I've coined a term.  It will remain in the poem, for more reasons than what I've stated here.

My opinion is that "deadscape" doesn't belong because it doesn't mesh with the rest of the diction, which is conventional, and its meaning is not at all clear.

I meant to comment on this earlier, but I guess it bumped off the front page.  I love it.  Deadscape and all, the ending really rocks.

Welcome to the site.

It's going to be a joy to be greeted by this each time I enter for the next week!

milner

like this.

thanks.

necropolis criss-cross joyride
heebie jeebie helmets
without teens
two on one puny
motorscooter red

playground they on the left pass
picnic-tabled the lawn they pass
up the transition hill
they crest to and going turn
into the right graveyard

deadscape
i hear them threading
laughing on paths putt-putting
grassy the criss-cross slopes

I intermittently
see them
flashing there
between red
granite and riant trees

S.Bailey:

Did someone undertake to restructure your entire poem.  [Tsk, tsk, tsk....]

You've got nice stuff there, and I am glad to see it on the "front page."  [BTW -- I just reviewed your 5/11/06 note to me.  The 'no tempting fate move' was undoubtedly a good one :)

I've been giving this line a glance:

"They pass the playground on the left, they"

Any thoughts about:  "Pass, they do the playground / on the left, they pass / ...."?      Why? --- You'll ask.  I'll say, "Because...they're 'criss-crossing' quickly, so they "pass" early on."

Let me know how your thoughts flow on it.  In the meantime, great dialogue.  Take care.

CEO

Liked the poem very much except for two things.  The word "transition" just doesn't fit the
joyriders, you know?  It's jarring.  Also, typo somewhere at bottom before red.
Otherwise, great for high school kids.
Rochelle

tsk tsk? pshaw...

that's play...

i may lose the possibility of some friendships over it... i've lost some for less, i suppose... not that i have so many to throw away, CEO... consider it thinking out loud...

to be more blunt for those hard of dulling... the language wasn't so fresh... or the arrangement of it, that is... i thought deadscape could be utilized effectively... we're in the redefinition business, after all... and, actually, the word choice, in general is quite unusual (heebie jeebie, putt-putting, deadscape, riant (yeah, wonderful word, that!), which is nice... but i want the language and IMAGE to go beyond what i expect...

heebie jeebie bobby