some shine
as lips
kissed by wine

or water
catching fire
at coming night

each memory
has a different scent

one smells
of morning sheets
soft hair
and thighs
while from the shadows
that the patient trees
donate
comes music
dancing
on a thyme-filled breeze

others
are tanged
with acrid smoke
bear
in their smoulder
seared flesh
and charcoaled hair

the dust of bones
falls ever as
a thirsting rain

sky
clouded vulture dark
and howls
with wailings
of the greedy winds
and death

is sleeping
in the other bed

each memory
is stolen

each in its way
a kiss

"the dust of bones
falls ever as
a thirsting rain"

that's a good line Milner. (don't know that you need the "a" but personal perference I suppose)

"at coming night"

I saw more of an 'approach' than 'at coming' (but again, just me)

I like it, like it, like it, like it, just a different voice in view.

(I'm back to reading finally, finally reading with some semblence of thought, (on a every day basis I mean)  hard for me recently... too much time off even before the surgery, but - I am better recently, busy, busy, busy,  (trying to catch up on rationality, and my hair grows long down my back without recourse, such a pain, pain, pain, I'm lucky to comb it - the mind is such an anomaly but the hair grows- always.  had to cut it to even remove the stitches. I've an excess of folic acid they say)

"each memory
has a different scent"

heare, heare, my friend ... and even when, such scent is flitered through the lungs, the particles - remain.

love to read you, love to read you always. . .

I like this part -



"each memory
has a different scent

and light

some shine
as lips
kissed by wine
or water
catching fire
at coming night

these smell
of morning sheets
and thighs
soft hair
and from the shadows
that the patient trees
donate
comes music
dancing
on a thyme-filled breeze

others
come tanged
with acrid smoke
bear
in their smoulder
seared flesh
and charcoaled hair

the dust of bones
falls ever as
a thirsting rain

sky
clouded vulture dark
and howls
with shrieks
of greedy winds
and death

is sleeping
in the other bed

each memory
has a different kind
of kiss "





... gorgeous, as usual.

Milner, what if you open with
  and then insert

  here.
Then sratch the last S and end with "bed"?

Just a thought,

larry

LOL - I like that part, too, Scott!

But I think Larry makes a good point, Milner. Starting at 'some shine' makes the poem very much more -ah- romantic? Is that the word? No, but maybe you know what I mean.

I think these lines are stunningly beautiful:

some shine
as lips
kissed by wine
or water
catching fire
at coming night

The image of lips beginning to blaze when night falls is mesmerizing.

I love those lines too (beginning "some shine/as lips").
and the cello tones of the whole.
very poised and pure.    wonderful indeed.
kevin

Yes, it's a pick for sure.

bril, g — grande!

d

Thanks all for such responses.

I've taken up your thought on the opening, Larry, but have changed the ending, rather than just dropping the last stanza. Will see how this sits, with you all, and me. I'll think further on your ideas, Nora. Lie easy in the sun.

Off to bed.

Cheers

milner

Especially enjoyed the1st S and the thyme-filled breeze.
Stumbled a little over combined use of howls and shrieks, not entirely sure of the intention there.
Excellent as ever though milner, thanks for sharing your art with us.

B.

Merci mucho for the bondad, Don Ricardo.

g

Thanks. Brian. Thought of just making another line break there to sort that, but not too happy with that choice. made another change, therefore, and would welcome your opinion.

This was the original:

sky
clouded vulture dark
and howls
with shrieks
of greedy winds
and death

Thanks again

milner

Hi there (newbie says hello and dips his toe in a review  :))

sky
clouded vulture dark
and howls
with shrieks
of greedy winds
and death

Can't find a place for the first "and"
Love the stanza, but feel the and is a stumble point. 

Please ignore if you disagree.

Cheers
John

Milner, I like what you did with the end. I liked the metrical sound of shrieks, but it works either way...

That 'and' is there for the rhythm of the poem, John, and 'oral' is very important to me. Thanks.

milner

I can live with that :-).  One thing I've learned is that to "read" a poem is not necessarily to "hear" it.  Sometimes a reader places greatly different emphasis that the writer intended.  which is why listening to poetry as read by the originator adds such a dimension.

cheers
John

Dear Milner ....i agree with Larry that it works either way......and it seems that the choice here is perhaps the one that truly tells of the author's wish to convey something personal as far as timbre and hue. Being familiar with your reading voice is gift for me.



miles of smiles
silent lotus

Thanks, Larry, as isn't unusual you played a major part in the shaping of this as it now sits (or stands).

milner

Thanks, Sl, it's so good to hear my voice carries across the sea.

milner

I prefer wailings to shrieks, but it's messed with the rhythm of the S now, requiring that extra the.
Perhaps if you could find a way of maintaining the original rhythm with an alternative to shrieks?

 

Thanks, Brian. Because I've come to believe that although detail can be so important, we can wrestle too much and too often with some, when a little time will best improve the perspective and the resolution then appear as obvious. So, suiting action, or in this case inaction, to the word, I'll come back to this in a day or so.

Cheers

milner

Haven't seen this one go through its changes, but I like the final result.  And the final stz.

Rick

Thanks, Rick, though it's been mucked about with a bit, it's still pretty much where it started, just a bit more polished. But how important 'a bit' can be!

Cheers

milner

why the jump from sight to scent so close to the beginning and then jump back to sight at the end?  just curious, I suppose.....just wanted to say something besides the usual....lol

xo M

Fascinating query, Michelle, to which I don't have an answer. Although the early order was changed that didn't alter the switch. I'm so often surprised by the logics that the right brain possesses, and can only put it down to that. This query will spur me to examine, in more detail, alll these things that the strange muscle in my head produces. Many, many thanks.

milner

Nice piece, Mil.

Some thoughts:

some shine
as lips
kissed by wine
or water
catching fire
at coming night*

*coming night doesn't lead me to water catching fire. The moon rising would though.
what if you said as the moon rises?

each memory
has a different scent

these smell**
of morning sheets
and thighs
soft hair
and from the shadows
that the patient trees
donate
comes music
dancing
on a thyme-filled breeze

'These' is throwing me a bit, bringing me to immediate in mind thoughts. What if you started that stanza with 'Now'? Too far off intent? And you might give some thought to switching thighs and soft hair.

now smells
of morning sheets
soft hair
and thighs
and from the shadows
that the patient trees donate
comes music
dancing
on a thyme-filled breeze

others
come are*** tanged
with acrid smoke
bear****
in their smoulder
seared flesh
and charcoaled hair

***Using 'are' edits out the duplicate 'come' and puts strong emphasis  on the word tanged, which I love, btw.

**** bear down to the end of that stanza isn't working for me at all. It's too sparse when compared to the others, almost as if you weren't involved in the witing of it. Just needs some direction I think.

the dust of bones
falls ever as
a thirsting rain   Love this!!

sky
clouded vulture dark
and howls
with wailings
of the greedy winds

*****The same thing is happening in this stanza, Mil. It's too loose.

and death

is sleeping
in the other bed

each memory
is stolen

each in its way
a kiss

Great ending.

Mags

The effort you've put into this is, in itself, a great compliment, Maggie. Many thanks. Some of your suggestions are going to be used, forthwith. Others, I'll brood further on. The water catching fire, by the way, related to sunsets. I'm going to insert a space, which may make this clearer.


Cheers

milner

Your welcome, Mil, and thank you for the compliment.

Maggie

Milner,

such treasures.
my pleasure to present this
on front page.

congrats,

tiko

Wow! What an amazing , luscious, beautiful, and deeply satisfying piece.

Thanks for writing it Milner, and to Tiko for putting it up on front page.

Roger

Congrats, Milner! Tom

My oh my, Tiko, for the second night running you send me to my bed rejoicing. Corn in Egypt.

Thanks, Tom and Roger.

Cheers

milner

Wonderful choice!

Bless you, Lavonne.

milner

So exquisite, Milner!

Sharon

Hi, Milner, great work! Very emotional. I will read it again to catch more of it. By the way, I have got the gift you sent me. I will work on it soon. Best regards, David

`



dear Milner

here the kiss

that this

poem

has past the test

of time



a warm smile
silent lotus


`

FINE one!

loved seeing this here, love the sounds within,  my favorite remains with every moemory having a different scent - so true my friend so true

the dust of bones
falls ever as
a thirsting rain

very much enjoyed, bits and snippets, looking looking my friend

Sharon, Richard, SL, Rick, and Nora, your comments so much appreciated, and that it seems to pass the test of time is indeed important. Hope it will still stand when more time has passed.

Cheers all

milner

Ps. A bit too busy to attend to others - later in the week will attend to that..

`
  Anthropomorphia

http://poetrycircle.com/index.php/topic,2202.0.html



`

Thanks, SL, you make these amazing connections.

milner

Tell us something from your generation to mine: why is each kiss stolen? Because kisses like those are mere memories?

You may note, Karl, that 'stolen' and 'kiss' are separated and in different stanzas. Both words also have various shades of meaning. I don't like to select any of these meanings, but prefer to leave that to the reader. Any rationale can also relate to the differing 'logical' processes that our brains employ.

Cheers
and thanks

milner