OK. You can stop tapping the nails. It is driving me crazy. Rewrite posted. Still have POV work to do.

Lynn and Brian - you are the best.

Great!  Haven't read rewrites yet but I stopped tapping fingers on keyboard [they were worn down to nubbins!]; off to the lake for a few days but will rip into this upon my return. 

have fun!

Just got back from a wee trip to the mountains. Got tonnes of catching up to do Ell Vee, but rest assured you are high on that list!

B.

Lynn, you be a finger-tappin hoot! Moses is high up on that list too . . . ;)

LV,
First read through and I'm blown away - really great revision. Well done you!!

One tiny nit - not sure about the laughing till the tears flowed right at the end.
I think going from the raccoon to the end line (which I still love) works better.
Small nit though. Will read again and offer more feedback later.

Again, well done Lavonne!!

B.

It bothered me, also. But I do think I need something there to indicate her mindset. It will come I am sure. You were a big, big help Brian. I pay attention to your small but important nits.

:)

L -- good "chat" this a.m. with you.  How go the green beans?  And what follows is a paragraph you might tinker with moving into Jim's POV.  [The more I think about using only Jim's or Sherry's POV, the more I like it.  Leave Aideen to the views of others, you know.  Like the first Mrs. DeWinter in Rebecca -- a very real presence but never told from Rebecca's POV.

Aideen accepted Jim — at first. She quit her job at the cafe to stay home and Jim was happy to have her about. , expecting to live on Jim’s check. But it was Jim who cared for Their small ranch house on Highway 78 didn't take much to keep up; his pay could stretch, feed them in simple ways. He had no desire to roam the local bars [how many bars to Rumor have? I'm thinking two, at the most, for such a small town.  And maybe one is the bowling alley?] and dives or bowling alley that Aideen had haunted while he was in Korea.  He saved money there.  On the other hand, he had no ambition in Jim for business.

[Lavonne, I would put him to work doing this The only work he was able to get was changing oil and radiator hoses at the Sinclair station. ---- but in a more active voice.  For instance: Days, Jim changed oil and radiator hoses on cars pulling in for service at the Sinclair Station.  He had to watch for the customers who just needed gas because he didn't hear the bell.  And also maybe put him to work at the bowling alley -- he could be a pin setter, the noise wouldn't bother him so much.  Then, you could have him quit one of the jobs when Aideen isn't attending to Sherry the way he'd want his small miracle taken care of.] 

[I would like you to put this section into dialogue] He knew Aideen was used to going out but it was as if Jim had used up his ambition in the war. Now all he wanted to do was cherish his family in his quiet world. When he tried to tell Aideen how he felt, how beautiful both she and Sherry were, she turned away as if she could not hear him. If he touched her arm, she cringed. If she noticed him looking at her, she left the room. [omit Jim felt helpless as Aideen grew more bored with the company of the deaf man and of little Sherry who required constant wiping, washing and feeding. ]  Lavonne, great place to show rather than tell.  And whatever A's responses might be can either be heard, or not heard.  And how old is Sherry at this point in time?  And you can use much of what you have already here, just "activate it" -- not a "when" thing but a scene taking place.  Maybe when Aideen talks in dialogue about wiping washing feeding etc., he's not looking at her, doesn't catch it all -- or just the opposite, and he does begin to get a feeling for how poor A is at motherhood.  You'd need to make some choices.

Okay -- sorry if I've meddled too much.  I mean! Who else would throw in a Bowling Alley for Pete's sake?

me

oh, and meant to say I prefer your original opening paragraph.  With Sherry mentioned first rather than later.  Might need a slight adjust for clarity's sake, but current version seems ordered wrong somehow.  bye.

Hey, Rumor has to have a bowling alley.

Love this stuff.

Beans halfway done. Have 28 quarts so far.

I love these ideas.

one quart at a time; one paragraph at a time . . .

Yeah, I want to add my bit towards prodding you along with this one. It's a great story. Lynn, the pro, has the idea right about the POV. If it becomes Sherry's then you'll have to reframe the beginning and if you limit it to Jim, then...One thought that rolled into my emptiness, was to begin the story with sherry's first seeing Jim return home and keep the whole thing in her POV and let the fact of the ten months come out in an overheard conversation?

I figured you weren't confused enough, so I'd take a turn at the stir...

larry

Very good! Feels both rich and compact. Tom