Hi, Scott. Welcome. Seems you've got this fined down pretty well now. I'd consider taking 'souless' out, because you have done that in the previous line (regulars will know I've a particular dislike of the poetic cliche 'soul', but that's not quite my reason here). Do just wonder if an adjective like 'relentless' might be stronger than 'perpetual'.

Cheers

milner

have enjoyed all this repartee, and must say I agree that the first version is more alive than the others----that is the challenge of writing with tight intensity----you have a fine gift for sound and word choice, and methinks as you keep your emotion strong, while simultaneously maintaining the need to be succinct, along with your awareness of how the poem looks on the page, it will all just come naturally----and it will also come all-of-a-piece----not in the same way each time, but always under your control...

michael

Hi milner.

You might be right.

" because there's no heart or breath or thought or mind
just perpetual souless movement."

perhaps

" because there's no heart or breath or thought or mind
just relentless dispassionate movement."

Not bad !



I think I want to convey the feeling that there is nothing human at all in this place to relate to.
But I do see it as having a soul, just not one that we understand nor would it understand ours.
I don't see it as a wicked place exactly just perpetual and passionless yet violent without intent therefore not evil.

 
Thanks for your input.

 

Hi michael.

Thanks for suggesting a different approach, I think I gleaned some improvements from that.