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  Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« on: September 27, 2007, 06:51:49 PM » by Jonathan Bracker
Six of them did not play sports.
At P. E. time they stood about, together
Trying for nonchalance
While behind and around them
Boys thundered like buffaloes.

All did not like each other,
But less liked being identified as single.
Giraffes, is what they were.
Bert Adkins mostly scuffed his new sneakers
In playground dust while Larry Bernard told strange jokes;

Bob Sakowitz fidgeted the hem of his too-tight
Regulation gym shorts, making at least one of them, uneasy. 
These young men were hoping or praying
No ball would hit them hard, or land before their feet
To need be scooped up and returned in a masculine manner.

Surprisingly, no coach dispersed their circle;
They were impossible, it was simply that.
Though four suspected their differences from others
Might later help them succeed as adults, smiling or looking content
They each had sunburned ears cocked for the ending bell.
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  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2007, 07:20:46 PM » by Rick Stansberger
What's your theory of line breaks?  I see some pretty variant lines and wonder.
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Rick's fifth book is out:  Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2007, 07:21:59 PM » by Jonathan Bracker
Thanks for again calling me on this. I need to work on it. 
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  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2007, 07:29:27 PM » by Jay Dougherty
I like the rhythm here--and your treatment of the subject.

I am distracted by some of the nonstandard punctuation, though, as in

Giraffes, is what they were

and

making at least one of them, uneasy
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I do not like to write. I like to have written. --Gloria Steinam

  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2007, 07:32:35 PM » by Jonathan Bracker
The Samuel Johnson quote is very helpful.  I agree the punctuation in both places is academic; I'll consider changing it.  Thanks for liking the rhythm and the treatment!
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  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2007, 08:06:43 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
I liked these lines:

Bob Sakowitz fidgeted the hem of his too-tight
Regulation gym shorts, making at least one of them, uneasy.

The nit I have is Capping each line. Sometimes I do it but in a poem like this it confuses me. Caps signify the beginning of a new thought for me.
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  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2007, 08:09:55 PM » by EB
'Boys thundered like buffaloes.' Love this line, would you consider changing caps? And I agree with the line breaks and punc., but other than that, I really did like this, so cute, reminds me of MY students....perhaps a title change...? I don't know, I don't know..
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  Re: Junior High: At The End Of The Field
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2007, 08:21:36 PM » by Rick Stansberger
I like the thundering buffaloes too.
Logged

Rick's fifth book is out:  Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

 (Read 706 times) [1]
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