get on down now, girl
go drown yourself around
your tired sound

I’m gonna twist you under ground
quiet to a mud black choke

then scrub you in the damp grit
where cold smoke rose
skyward from this old burnt log

I will paint you with my charcoal
rub it wet into your nose

smudge my smooth ash
grey onto your clothes

notice how the dirt always knows
where you will go

around you, pretty bitch
time itself turns off

it stumbles through your brush
wretched and confused
stuck up in the itchy tar
dripping from my wrath

because you always find the path
back to me again
even through your booze
and all that sweet toke fog

seems those low and slow
gravel tunes
you sing to me off pitch

although way too long and over-used

still can lick
between these bars
I erected high and hard
around my private
song

Michael, Michael, Michael!!!!  Whoa...  I like the syncopation of this piece... and then will read it again....  (rose, should be rises?) 

laura

Michael;
     i find myself liking your recent work so much that when i find something that doesn't hit me 100% (such as this piece) i find myself unable to throw down a criticism, because i would never presume to lead you in any direction or suggest changes, because you know what you're doing and will work your way thru it.  that being said...there are moments of diamond pure brilliance in this poem.  that last stanza is killer!
seems the fiery tunes
you sing to me off pitch
that didn't work for me at all...too difficult to get past it properly.  i kept stumbling on it, trying to figure out which way you meant for it to be read.
     i think i also have a hard time dealing with poems that use dialects...while this isn't a dialect per se, it's obviously a different voice you're assuming and that can sometimes come off as sounding condescending. 
     so, my thoughts on this one...it may not be a home run, but it's at least a good solid double to the outfield.
     john

This is really powerful!! Needs a little tweak but damn, you've got it!! Cheers!

John----your comments are much appreciated, and helpful----only thing is, that that IS my real voice----it's not a dialect----it's how I think and talk every day----also have my college voice,which I use in places like this, or with people who expect to hear a more cultivated person----THAT'S the voice I pass with, and the one that I think can sound condescending, and it's a part of me too, but it's not ME----the poem's voice is really me, butch me----and believe me, my friend, there is NO condescension in that voice----it's my street voice----so, when you say it doesn't sound right, I am truly confused----will you please help me understand?

think I agree with you about the fiery song, though----will work on that----and thanks for picking up on it!

michael

This poem has great sounds.....  'around, ground, sound, clothes, nose, rose, bars, hard, etc........ i love the beat.  not sure why, but want to put song up a line.... just me.

Laura

Michael, each poem is its own reality.  Saying that a thing belongs in a poem because it really happens is missing the whole idea that a poem from start to finish is an artificial construction of symbols that is made to seem real to a reader.    

One time, in a class with William Stafford, I told a fellow student that his line "I cried out in the night for beauty and order" didn't seem real.  I'd heard a lot of yelling in the night, and nobody who cried, "Beauty!  Order!"  

When the student said, "I indeed have cried that cry," Stafford, one of the few times he spoke that term, said, "But were you believable when you cried it?"  

If readers distrust the reality of our poems, we have the choice to ignore them or tweak the poems so that they seem real to the reader.

Rick

ahhhhh, Michael...i'm stupid not to have picked up on that.  my humble apologies.  i hope you'll accept.
     i never picked up on that in yr other poems...this one jumped out at me.
john

okay, Rick----I understand your words, but not why readers would distrust the poem----and I would really like to understand----you see, there are several Michaels----there have to be----this is my internet/college/church/passing Michael----the poem is home Michael, butch Michael, Michael unplugged----both Michaels speak my truth, but with different voices----does that help?

michael

hey, John, it's cool----and thanks for replying so quickly----am relieved we  understand each other now...

michael

you need to wobble wobble and drop her like its hot

I like the sound. You might have an off beat in L4 "I'm gonna to(?) twist..." On the first read the vernacular got to me and then I read it and let the imagination play with the metaphors, even pictured the narrator as a spent artist sketching... But Rick raises a great question that is applicable to a lot of poems. The medium forces the narrator to the forefront. In poetry accuracy or verisimilitude is a bit off-key. As someone once pointed out, no one ever enters a poem as evidence in court. So what happens is the reader notices more about the narrator than the subject, which, of course, is sometimes the point, as I think it is here. The last stanza is, as John pointed, a killer and the one that keeps the reader back on track, noticing the narrator. I too stumbled at the "...off pitch" line (L27), but I think it's because the following conjunction "though" disputes the "off pitch" with another dislike. Perhaps "and"?

I think experimenting with this vernacular is interesting as we mostly see it in context with "country" or "earthy" subjects.

Just some thoughts and Michael, I care.

larry

Larry, yes, and thanks, that "to" doesn't belong in L4----forgot to remove it...

that's interesting, that the medium forces the narrator to the forefront----in this poem, the narrator is indeed in the forefront----the subject of the poem is the effect of the other person's behavior on the narrator, and the narrator's reaction[rage] to that behavior...

about the "though", I changed it to "although"----will you tell me what you think?

glad you like this experiment with vernacular, although I hadn't thought of it as such----a lot of my work is written this way, especially the poems about intimate relationships...

I am glad to hear you care----I do too----s'why I get so pissed off...

thank you,
michael

Laura----am delighted you love its sounds----that doesn't get noticed very often----thanks...

Betty----glad to know you think it's got it, whatever the hell it is...

EB----done...

michael

Whatever it is, it's good!