little pink
patches
on your cheeks
when we
open
my knees.

i’m smiling.
you
making noises,
oh god whisper.
your head bobs
up and down
between
gasp and
sigh and
huge love eyes.

you barely touch me.
your mouth, your nose,
you
barely touch me.
but barely is
a magic trick
a muscle ticking
a “full tothebrim,
one drop’s gonna fall
and ohvery soon
the whole thing
will spill,”

a thrill
that jumps my legs,
that holds my breath,
that throws my hands
upon the air
above my head.
a joy
that leaps
my whole
self and
you;
sweet melt,
but barely,
but still, upon
the bed, between
my legs.

The rhythm rises and falls with the subject. Well done.

thank you lavonne

gorgeous----sweet and real and gorgeous with life and love----you danced the ring gracefully, without even crushing your flowered wreath----think maybe you can drop the very last line though----we already know where you are, so "upon the bed" is a wee bit redundant----otherwise, purrrrrfect...

Michael

I find this poem as a fine piece, Camel, maybe except the last couple of lines, which in my view do not add anything valuable in its spirit.
Vasile

Excellent, Camel. tend to agree that 'upon my bed' should either go, or be moved up, perhaps to after 'sweet melt'. Where it is it leaks the strength out of 'between my legs' - such a fine ending.

milner

Camel,
I too like this, but couldn't put a finger on the skip until Milner's note. It makes a world of difference ending with '...legs'.

Nice work.

larry

ahhh -- yes.  enjoyed.

lynn

thank you everyone! i loved this poem as soon as i wrote it and only altered a few line breaks, but you are all right; tweaking the end just makes it somehow, really, thank you much, oo you're amazing!

Damn fine work. I'm moving this up, since it's my choice this week, but I do agree with others regarding possible improvements. Nevertheless in my reading through various pieces in editors' picks this one stood out to me for its originality and execution.

this poem fairly brims over with joy----it is totally sex-positive and life-affirming----I was so glad to see it here on the front page when I signed on----congrats, camel hartley!

Michael

Well done. The suggestion is just at the right level.  - Thanks, Moskowitz

This is very clever and orginal, good choice and well played :)

Wonderful! You have captured this joyful experience that we long for, remember or, if we're very lucky, still have.
Ahhhh... lovely.
take care~dale

thank you for keeping us informed, sunshine----your words light up our lives, so we send our light into yours, and open all the paths of joy and purpose in your life that should be opened, and we close all the paths of harm and confusion...

Michael