never believed
I’d see you so
wasted

nothing
of the aristocrat
left

no short bits
of high mass hymns
or Gregorian chants

no sumptuous emerald hints
of Emeraude

here
no Irish glints
of coal black hair

but as if you were serving dessert
from you I hear flow
nearly inaudible notes
of chocolate-scented song

how deftly
they pour outward
the hard-won tranquility
within

replace tension
with calm

melt
through the mind
like rich mousse
slips cold and thick
across a warm tongue

notes that leave behind
gifts
for each of us
to be opened immediately

gifts
of delicately wrapped
reverance



 

Rich indeed. Beautiful.

1 cent's worth:

notes that leave behind
gifts for each of us
gifts
of delicately wrapped
reverence

just a fleeting thought. : )

M.

Sorry about your lose. You'll have to take my word for this: but in time you will come back to these works about your mom and find extraordinary inspiration to even more works later. Lost mine in November....

larry

Oh yes, Michael.

milner

Lavonne----yes, I do see that your version of those verses is tighter, but I want to leave in "to be opened immediately" because it is an important bit of family whimsy-----the first question we always ask when one of us receives a gift from another of us is "can I open it now?"...

thanks,
Michael

larry----I'm sorry to hear you also lost your mama recently----and I will remember what you say here...

thank you,
Michael

hugs to you, milner...

Michael

so much truly fine about this poem, michael.  especially like the "high mass hymns / or Georgian chants" and how you carry the idea of notes right the way through.  if i had to nit pick, i think i'd omit "sumptuous" and maybe (only maybe, not sure) "scent" to go with "chocolate song" -- regardless, a fine write.

lynn

It's even better when I know of the family jest!

very pleased you like it, Lynn...

and thanks for the pick, Lavonne!

Michael

S6, L1 did you mean "dessert"?

O Joseph, I love you!! Thanks for catching that! Yes, I meant dessert...

Michael

I like this poem and feel strange about critting one about an event so new.  An event like this usually takes me a decade at least to get down.  That said, I'm wondering about S6.  The syntax seems forced.  The rest is moving and warm!

Rick

sorry, guy, but you've lost me with "the syntax seems forced"----best way I can explain it is at this point in the poem there is a shift of perspective, from the old things no longer present to a new thing that is present, which is the chocolate-scented song----and so I purposely change the flow style[syntax] of the previous verses in order to introduce that new subject----is that what you mean?----how is it forced, exactly?

Michael

Not like common speech; unnecessarily twisted:

Stanza:

but as if you were serving dessert
from you I hear flow
nearly inaudible notes
of chocolate-scented song


More common:

but as if you were serving dessert
I hear flow from you
nearly inaudible notes
of chocolate-scented song

hey, Rick, that's really funny----now that you went to the trouble of showing me what you mean, I can understand, but the problem is that that is the way I think, and in my head it doesn't seem unnecessarily twisted----it's what I'm used to----but then, come to think of it,  I ain't straight either, so my head is twisted just like me----see?

Michael

ps----also, the common speech version sounds much more clumsy to me when read aloud, and I write for smooth sound, so that's part of it too...

Michael, I'm assuming that you're sharing your poems to get an audience reaction.  So now you know that one member of your audience finds the syntax problematic (i.e. distracting from the flow of the poem).  You of course will decide what to do about it.  I'm not asking you to change. 

"Oh would some pow'r the giftie gie us / To see oursels as ithers see us!" wrote Robert Burns.  (quoted from memory -- Scots dialect inexact.) 

Some of my poems have raised a howl from readers.  Sometimes I change the parts that started the howl, sometimes not.  I seldom explain myself to readers.  If they didn't get it from the poem, what am I gonna do, tack on footnotes at the end of each one?  I like my poems to be able to stand alone.

Rick

Rick----I agree with all you say here, but the point I was trying to make was regarding sound, the sound of a line read aloud----I have noticed that contemporary poetry pays no attention to sound----will you address that issue?----because the choice of syntax for that line in this poem is such a perfect example of the choice between a lyrical sound [from you I hear flow] and the flat, stilted, nasal twang [I hear flow from you] that associates itself poetically and definitively with contemporary realism----do you agree, or not?----that is the subject we are discussing, I think----not whether one ought to change one's poem for the sake of a reader, but the nature of syntax choices themselves...

Michael

I would hesitate to make any generalization that takes in all of contemporary poetry.  There are a lot of people out there writing a lot of different ways.

now that is helpful to me, because I've been trying to understand what it IS, exactly, and I've noticed many different styles too, so I wonder if it's even possible to construct a classically valid definition of contemporary poetry----and if not, how can it be critiqued? on what bases?

Michael

Hello Michael:

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Nothing that can be said will make it better. Feel your grief is all I ever say, at times like this, because to keep it in is always worse. Your poem is lovely and I like the images. They work well. Write always and more about your Mom, your life, hers, all and everything fit matter for poems. In this way we add to the world and share with others. Then there is a little less night.

Best Regards,
John

how gracious, J. Baralle----my heart is grateful for yours...

Michael