winter branch
once part
of the nearby tree
curved and delicate
as an elderly bone
a still dancer
cast in shadow
and light

i think you can lose
some of the descriptors
to make it stronger.

winter branch
nature’s ballerina
dry and fragile
as an elderly bone
once part of the nearby tree

one of Nature’s tokens
a still dancer
cast in shadow and sun bright


disregard what doesn't work.


tiko

Thank you tiko...I am wondering if the phrase sun bright in the last line is distracting to people or if it works.

Casey, I'm not sure the image of "nature's ballerina" fits with "an elderly woman". Only a few lines carry the image, for me. Tom

winter branch

still ballerina
cast in shadow and sun bright

Really like this picture, Casey. Be tempted to leave out the line 'nature's ballerina', so that the 'dancer' would come as a surprise in S2. Or maybe you could work 'ballerina' into that stanza if you are loth to lose it. But I can take it as is.

milner

thank you milner and Tom for your input...

A beautiful picture here. I wonder about ballerina, which is a bit chocolate boxy for me, but I do see that you are making a contrast with youth and vigour and the tree's ageing.

I took out the ballerina line to see if it works better.

Now cut L3?

Seems you have already chopped back this one...  I love the images - what for me is lacking is a connection - something in the lines that grabs me - Reading your earlier drafts it is clearer to me. I am a lazy reader though - I don't like to think too much... if I wanted a puzzle I would buy a Sodoku book.
Mike

Thank you Michael.  It became too cropped for me as well.  It is already a short piece.  I played around with it some more.  Hopefully it is not a puzzle now and it fits together.

I am gonna f**k ya head up now and say delete L3.
Will be back.
Mike

Michael I tried as you suggested...maybe I should think of something other than an elderly bone to compare it to.  I am thinking dang bar nit.

casey,

like this, but confused by the last image.  if the "dancer" is cast in shadow, how is it bright?  for me it works fine w/o "bright," but that's just me.  also, perhaps consider moving L4 to L2...

it was cast in shadow and bright light so I called it sun bright instead of sunlight.  Thanks for reading and the input.

Casey, I can't say I take anything at all from L5, but I like thinking of the "elderly bone" as a "still dancer." Tom

Sharp, Casey, though for me it would be sharper without 'one of nature's tokens'.

milner

Tom and Milner,

Thank you for looking.  I took out the one of nature's tokens line.  This brings the elderly bone adjacent to the still dancer image.  I think it works better this way so thanks.  I cut a lot out, then put back, now a little cut.

Casey,

For me this piece is now sharp and beautiful - well written and well whitled!

Roger

thanks Roger