I've gone back to the first version and taken your advice about the hooves. Still need to think about feel and know without disturbing the rhyme. Thanks Tom and Sue, all good advice!

maybe a tweak in this section...?

Try to escape: my feet wade down the train
Carriage by carriage, struggling to the rear, I struggle to the rear
While the train rushes ever on and on.
No one jumps clear.

Much enjoyed, Pam, but maybe there is room for some further tinkering.

milner

Pam

Like this a lot - the feelings it portrays so well (chillingly so) all strike home so powerfully. 
Just a small nitpick, but to my ear a person wades rather than their feet, and I think the transition to the train is still a little abrupt, what about  something like:


Trying to escape
The final alighting
I wade down the train
Carriage by carriage, struggling to the rear,
While it rushes ever on and on.
No one jumps clear



Perhaps as a separate stanza?


Hope this is helpful, if not please roundfile!

Regards

Roger

Thanks Sue, Tom, Milner. I'm still testing out permutations! Roger, I like your suggestion - just need to see if I can work out the rhyme, so thanks!

not bad....i think your close is really nice.....some tired phrases in the beginning....all in all i wanted more meat....more to care about..keep at it

Thanks, D Flore. I am going to put it away for a bit and see if I can come back to it fresh. It niggles that it's incomplete

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The Fear..... It niggles that it's incomplete



I like that Pam
silent lotus

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Thanks, Silent. I think it's better than the poem!