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  Artist's Eye
« on: January 20, 2012, 09:01:23 PM » by Casey Powers
The other day
I nearly crashed
startled by
shadows
cast

across the highway

and streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's face

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds

in the distance

reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared

For a moment
it was just road

and me

light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint


Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2012, 06:06:28 AM » by Roger Fizzerton
Casey,  I like this - I know exactly what you mean - sometimes I wonder why everyone is not just stopping and staring. The big skies on the motorway home often just blow me away.

Although I think it communicated well, personally I think it could benefit from a little tightening  - the following is just a few ideas for your perusal.

Roger

Quote from: Casey Powers on January 20, 2012, 09:01:23 PM
The other day
I nearly crashed
the car
on my way home
from work
startled by
shadows cast
across the highway
and streaks of
warpaint
on sky's face
glared.

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds
in the distance
reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared.

My sorrows dispensed
with car exhaust.

For a moment
it was just road
and me
light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint.



Logged

Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2012, 09:00:29 AM » by Tom Riordan
Casey, something quite engaging here.
What reads to me like a missing "the" before "sky's" in S1 a distraction.
Tom
Quote from: Casey Powers on January 20, 2012, 09:01:23 PM
The other day
I nearly crashed
the car
on my way home
from work
startled by
shadows cast
across the highway
and streaks of
warpaint
on sky's face
glared.

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds
in the distance
reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared.

My sorrows dispensed
with car exhaust.

For a moment
it was just road
and me
light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint.



Logged
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2012, 10:02:37 AM » by Casey Powers
thank you for your input Roger...thinking about tightening
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2012, 10:04:04 AM » by Casey Powers
thanks Tom...I added the "the"...not sure if I want to tighten it the way Roger wants as he eliminated an important line to me.
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2012, 05:29:39 PM » by Roger Fizzerton
Hi Casey,

My ideas for tightening were just ideas - from which you could pick all, some or none - I think they are fairly independent of each other.

I think it would be well worth the effort to polish it if you want to - it's a fine piece of work.

Regards,

Roger
Logged

Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2012, 06:30:58 PM » by Casey Powers
thank you Roger...I agree with your thoughts of cutting out in the first part, but I would like to keep the other parts.  I appreciate your input a great deal.  Thanks.
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2012, 07:19:57 PM » by Roger Fizzerton
Hi Casey,

I like the new version, which I think reads really well.
One final nit - I'm not sure I get S3 - could it be that dispensed = dispersed? Or am I reading this wrong?

Best regards,

Roger
Logged

Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2012, 08:18:24 PM » by Casey Powers
Roger,

I think you are right about dispensed.  It doesn't quite work, but when I changed it to dispersed it sounded plain old ugly.  I chose to eliminate the line entirely.  Now almost all of your suggested cuts have taken place.  I guess I will keep the passing traffic disappeared part.  Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments.
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2012, 06:03:43 AM » by Roger Fizzerton
Casey,

It's so annoying when the word that works aesthetically you doesn't quite work logically and vice-versa!  It was a close call but for my money I think made the right choice.

Regards,

Roger
Logged

Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2012, 08:41:18 AM » by silent lotus


Artist's Eye


The other day
nearly crashed
startled by
shadows
cast

across the highway

and streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's
face



Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds

in the distance

reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared


For a moment
it was just road

and me

light and
shades


my thoughts of
mixing paint






dear Casey
below the  version of your poem as i found it and above the way my ear feels it with a few edits and spacing.
of course toss anything and all that irritates

silent lotus




Artist's Eye

The other day
I nearly crashed
startled by
shadows cast
across the highway
and streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's face
glared.

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds
in the distance
reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared.

For a moment
it was just road
and me
light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint.

Casey Powers


`
Logged
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2012, 09:33:40 AM » by Casey Powers
Thank you Roger for your call and thank you Silent Lotus for your input too.  I made some changes but not quite all of them.  I think it reads and appears on the page much better now.  We all get by with a little help from our poet friends.
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2012, 09:43:56 AM » by Tom Riordan
This is coming nicely, Casey. There's still a syntax trap -

The other day
I nearly crashed
startled by
shadows
cast

across the highway

and  [startled by] streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's face

which then results in hitting a brick wall at "glared." Tom
Quote from: Casey Powers on January 20, 2012, 09:01:23 PM
The other day
I nearly crashed
startled by
shadows
cast

across the highway

and streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's face
glared

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds

in the distance

reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared

For a moment
it was just road

and me

light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint



Logged
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2012, 11:28:03 AM » by Casey Powers
oh okay Tom...thanks
Logged

Casey Powers
  Re: Artist's Eye
« Reply #14 on: January 26, 2012, 10:34:37 AM » by Tom Riordan
Reads nicely now...
Quote from: Casey Powers on January 20, 2012, 09:01:23 PM
The other day
I nearly crashed
startled by
shadows
cast

across the highway

and streaks of
warpaint
on the sky's face

Gloomy rolls
of storm clouds

in the distance

reeled me in
and passing traffic
disappeared

For a moment
it was just road

and me

light and shades

my thoughts of
mixing paint



Logged
 (Read 926 times) [1] 2  All
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