the crazed blue zigzags
of my bowl
blur

I notice, again
the first accusing
failure of the day
cold
congealed
unstated

the pointless sugar
now half dissolved
to mocking syrup
 
the spoon
lies virgin

not to eat
is to betray you

to eat
is to betray you

I like the idea of breakfast setting the tone like this, Roger. Tom

Tom,

Thanks - luckily, nowadays, my days allmost allways start with a big cuddle and a coffee!

Roger

I'm in agreement with Tom, Roger, and much enjoyed and appreciated this.

milner

Like this but feel the title demands more of the poem - I am not sure that it is enough for the N to just describe how he notices the sugar hasn't melted into his porridge. For me it needs something to link this observation more strongly to his loneliness.
Mike

Milner,

Thanks very much for looking in, and for your kind comments.

Regards,

Roger

Hi Mike - thanks for looking in - and especially for your comments. Its interesting, but I think the problem may lie with the title.  The poem is not (meant to be) about loneliness as such, but about somebody who is very sad/depressed (loneliness might be the cause of that, or bereavement) and only going through through the motions - hence making breakfast but not bothering to eat it.  The key word of the poem is fragile, and it is that is what the crust is conpared with.

Originally it was going to be called 'fragile' (but I like that too much as the last word) or 'porridge of necessity' (sound a bit humorous).  I'm toying with:   
porridge, form habit
porridge, on auto
automatic breakfast' changing 'bowl' to 'porridge bowl'
porridge, after you

Any thoughts appreciated!

Roger

I really like the title but it leads me into wanting it to form part of the analogy. I think you could be right a title change might be needed, but then I am torn cos I like the title so much... I think you could make this link -  the hard granular crust that forms on the porridge could be the barrier we put up when we choose to segregate ourselves - desperate to be broke by contact. Maybe it could work... need to think some more, I have a mental block at the moment... most frustrating.
Mike

Mike,

Thanks very much for your response - I'll have to think about that,as I think it would need the metaphor to be extended to make it clear.  I'm may change the title, to see how that works whilst I ponder, then come back to it tomorrow.

Regards

Roger

The sugar crust image doesn't come entirely vivid to me, Roger. I wonder if poem is stronger without it, something like


the crazed blue zigzags
of my bowl
blur

I notice, again
the first accusing
failure of the day
cold
congealed
unstarted

fragile

Tom,

Thanks, interesting - I'd need to replace fragile though- that's one thing cold porridge is not !
I'll have a ponder...


Roger

Well, true, but I like the leap, since porridge is not the subject of the poem, at heart.

Hmmm...

Roger,

I really like your poem.  It is interesting.  I took note of your title ideas.  I just wanted to let you know that I like the title "porridge, after you."  I found the title that you have a little confusing because I read it literally in regard to the porridge as in you always had porridge as opposed to always having that as part of a ritual with the absent party indicated in the poem.  I love the concreteness of the porridge to indicate your more abstract emotions...

Hi Casey

Thanks for your kind remarks, and for your input - yes I like that title as well.  I am in the process of rewriting the end the end of the poem, and then I will probably change the title as well.

Roger