I remember hopscotch

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I remember hopscotch
« on: January 06, 2012, 09:24:20 AM » by James Carver

checkers with dad
him trying to convince me
that he let me win
I remember
never ending fields
of barley wheat
cold frost bitten mornings
when cow dung
kept our feet warm
fresh ground coffee
apricot jam on thick slices
of rye bread

most of all
I remember
mom sending me to
fetch the mop
and I saw uncle stew
fuck the shit
out of pastor’s wife
in the broom closet

through my childhood
I never ran short
on presents for Christmas
or birthdays

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #1 on: January 06, 2012, 09:34:27 AM » by Tom Riordan

Enjoy this, James, though trip on typo or something in here:

in the broom closet
though my childhood
I never ran short

-Tom

Quote from: James Carver on January 06, 2012, 09:24:20 AM

checkers with dad
him trying to convince me
that he let me win
I remember
never ending fields
of barley wheat
cold frost bitten mornings
when cow dung
kept our feet warm
fresh ground coffee
apricot jam on a thick slices
of rye bread

most of all
I remember
mom sending me to
to fetch the mop
and I saw uncle stew
fuck the shit
out of pastor’s wife
in the broom closet
though my childhood
I never ran short
on presents for Christmas
or birthdays

Logged

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2012, 09:38:41 AM » by James Carver

thanks for the comments and picking up that nit tom ....all sorted now

warm regards

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2012, 09:39:45 AM » by Tom Riordan

I like how last lines suggest both that Stew was generous with you after that, and that your memories were gifts.

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Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2012, 09:41:06 AM » by James Carver

thanks tom....both stew and the pastor,s wife actually...lol

cheers

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2012, 09:47:29 AM » by silent lotus

james .... a typo here too ?

apricot jam on a thick slices
of rye bread

`

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Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2012, 09:55:06 AM » by James Carver

thanks silent..sharp as ever i see..lol...all sorted

regards

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2012, 10:06:58 AM » by silent lotus

Quote from: James Carver on January 06, 2012, 09:55:06 AM

thanks silent..sharp as ever i see..lol...all sorted

regards

james

james ik ben alleen zooo scherp als ik heb mijn race pantofels on & een pintje op !

jammer dus.... als ik drink altijd kruiden thee

een warme glimlach

silent lotus

`

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Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2012, 10:25:42 AM » by James Carver

your secret,s out silent...lol...

cheers

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2012, 11:31:57 AM » by Tiko Lewis

nice voice in this, James.
very entertaining write.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2012, 11:45:20 AM » by Roger Fizzerton

James

Nourishing fruity write - love the undercover approach to the twist in L6 S2 - just great!

Roger

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Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2012, 12:08:03 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks

Quote from: James Carver on January 06, 2012, 09:24:20 AM

checkers with dad
him trying to convince me
that he let me win
I remember
never ending fields
of barley wheat
cold frost bitten mornings
when cow dung
kept our feet warm
fresh ground coffee
apricot jam on thick slices
of rye bread

most of all
I remember
mom sending me to
fetch the mop
and I saw uncle stew
fuck the shit
out of pastor’s wife
in the broom closet
through my childhood
I never ran short
on presents for Christmas
or birthdays

I love the double implication in the first three lines. Maybe your dad did let you win and maybe you were the better player. We and you ANBD your dad will really never know. I like it that way.

Love the surprise interjection of the sex scene. I'm wondering of a space here (making the reader pause for a mo) would be beneficial?

in the broom closet

through my childhood

In any case I thoroughly enjoyed the poem and am making it a pick.

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Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2012, 12:59:27 AM » by James Carver

thanks tiko

glad you enjoyed it

cheers

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2012, 01:00:34 AM » by James Carver

thanks roger

warm regards

james

Logged

Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2012, 01:01:40 AM » by James Carver

thanks for the pick lavonne...speechless right now

much appreciated

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: I remember hopscotch
« Reply #15 on: January 22, 2012, 10:34:09 AM » by Tom Riordan

To me, in this context, "saw" suggests a glimpse to me, James, but "fuck the shit out of" suggests a longer look. What about "watching" for "I saw"? Tom

Quote from: James Carver on January 06, 2012, 09:24:20 AM

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