this really
      really
                skinny chick
with too much hair gel
stops
to stare at me

keep walking

bitch

nice!

I have to remember to lose the hair gel.  (I always stare at good-lookin men) Great one Brendan. :)

B., I have a sloppy habit of not really paying attention to poem titles. This, then, just read as hostility. But after I did take the time to absorb the title, "hobble" guided me to a much richer reading. -T.

thanks people....still not sure how i feel about this one, but it's here and i wrote it. 

I agree with Tom. The title adds to the quality of the reading. I liked the way you broke it up. I'm always nervous about line breaks. Lack of experience, I guess. Thanks for this.

Gary

gary,

thanks for stopping by and for the kind words.  layout comes through feel more than expertise, i'd say. don't be afraid to play with what you wrote, see how it looks and hear how it sounds.  you can always rearrange it if you don't like it. 

`

dear Brendan

what i am enjoying here is that you are not sure who is calling who a bitch

silent lotus

`

thanks, silent....

your comment reminds me of this classic...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8cHxydDb7o

another good one.

tiko

thanks, tiko...

Rereading today, in the light of recent discussions about rudeness in verse. Supposing it read:

as i walk down my street
 
                    fat chick
with too much hair gel
stops
to stare at me

keep walking
bitch

Rudeness the whole point? Gratuitious? Possibly. But it doesn't read like that. The "hobble" in the title turns some of the N's hostility against himself -- and as Silent pointed out, the line break between "walking" and "bitch" creates the possibility that the woman is the one who says "bitch," making the disdain a bit mutual. So the poem reads not as "ha ha let's laugh at the guy putting the woman down" but actually N's sad self-portrait, or a sad mutual self-portrait, I think. Tom

tom,

thanks for the thoughtful analysis---nice to see people get something out of this other than a cheap laugh.  i read my mom the poem and she hated it, unsurprisingly. 

cheers...

This needs to be part of a larger volume of work in the same vein.

I like the switch from "fat" to "skinny". Brings home your point much more clearly, strongly. Tom

thanks, tom....yeah, i think "fat" muddled things a bit...