Thanks Roger and Tom for trying to help me.  I made the suggested changes, but something falls flat for me and I don't know what it is; however, it is much improved.  I say that I am old all of the time too and I am not really old, but I think many of us feel that way at times.  My old man, now he was old for real (prob 80) and tough.  Seeing him brought tear to my eyes.

dear Casey

how about looking at the title rather than the text
& perhaps a little spacing to slow things down

try a bit more of a painterly approach

silent lotus





The Dignitary Of Age


See
how he hobbles

little skip and jump

his persevering rivers
flowing uphill
carry a battleship
to fight

wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
Amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers



`

"Amid" or "amid"?

Casey,

Yes it does read better, but I see what you mean.

To me, the 'I admire him' was critical, and gave the original it's power and lift - without it there is the danger of the tone being one of pity only.

Roger

Thank you Roger.  I have changed the old man some.  I think it is better...

There are comments on here that I somehow never saw...thank you Silent Lotus, Tom, and Roger for helping me out here.  I don't know about the title.  I am thinking.