The Old Man

See
how he hobbles
little skip and jump
his persevering rivers
flowing uphill
carry a battleship
to fight
wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers

admire him

Why the capital letters?  Seems eighteenth-century in a poem more modern than that.  I get a sense that there's a touching scene here, though, and I hope you stay with it.

I just played around some more with it...Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't think I can get much more out of this as I don't know any other way to put it right now.  I changed the capts and added some, but I might have made it worse.

Maybe it just needs a rest.

I think a refreshing rest would be nice for my tired old man...whew

Casey,

Nice work, and I love the message - I hate the way old people are not often respected - particularly in western societies.

Roger

I love the way old people aren't respected
in Western societies. Why should they be?
I'm one of them - and believe me, I know.

You surely don't look that old in your little picture there Tom.

Oh, that photo from 1960? LOL.
For me, the vig in this poem is the mix of metaphors:

See how he hobbles
little skip and jump,
his persevering rivers
flowing uphill,
carrying one battleship
to fight
wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers.

I'd maybe play with that a bit more. Tom

okay thanks...and if that photo is from 1960 I can see how you can relate...lol

Tom - since when was 58 old! If you think that, you must bed suffering for permature... sen premature... sin ...you know that thingy when you cant remember things...

Casey just a note to offer not advice (unless you ask) but encouragement - this is a fine sentiment that needs expressing more often.

Regards,

Roger

 

I'm f***ing old enough!  And I'm not getting any more respectworthy as I age, I can tell you that!

LOL!  But are'nt we in danger of confusing respect with reverence? And why would you be getting any less respectworthy as you age? What are you doing that's so bad? Dare one ask???! Can you send instructions?

Roger

oh my goodness gracious

Casey,

Sorry! Getting carried away! But looking at the poem again, have you considered laking out L3 and L4?  It seems (to me) to read better that way.  Oh and what about changing 'one' to 'a' in L10?

Regard,

Roger

Thanks Roger and Tom for trying to help me.  I made the suggested changes, but something falls flat for me and I don't know what it is; however, it is much improved.  I say that I am old all of the time too and I am not really old, but I think many of us feel that way at times.  My old man, now he was old for real (prob 80) and tough.  Seeing him brought tear to my eyes.

dear Casey

how about looking at the title rather than the text
& perhaps a little spacing to slow things down

try a bit more of a painterly approach

silent lotus





The Dignitary Of Age


See
how he hobbles

little skip and jump

his persevering rivers
flowing uphill
carry a battleship
to fight

wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
Amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers



`

"Amid" or "amid"?

Casey,

Yes it does read better, but I see what you mean.

To me, the 'I admire him' was critical, and gave the original it's power and lift - without it there is the danger of the tone being one of pity only.

Roger

Thank you Roger.  I have changed the old man some.  I think it is better...

There are comments on here that I somehow never saw...thank you Silent Lotus, Tom, and Roger for helping me out here.  I don't know about the title.  I am thinking.