The Old Man

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The Old Man
« on: November 28, 2011, 07:31:18 AM » by Casey Powers

The Old Man

See
how he hobbles
little skip and jump
his persevering rivers
flowing uphill
carry a battleship
to fight
wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers

admire him

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2012, 06:58:43 PM » by Rick Stansberger

Why the capital letters? Seems eighteenth-century in a poem more modern than that. I get a sense that there's a touching scene here, though, and I hope you stay with it.

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Rick's fifth book is out: Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2012, 07:06:59 PM » by Casey Powers

I just played around some more with it...Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't think I can get much more out of this as I don't know any other way to put it right now. I changed the capts and added some, but I might have made it worse.

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2012, 09:24:42 PM » by Rick Stansberger

Maybe it just needs a rest.

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Rick's fifth book is out: Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2012, 08:33:55 AM » by Casey Powers

I think a refreshing rest would be nice for my tired old man...whew

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2012, 09:11:47 AM » by Roger Fizzerton

Casey,

Nice work, and I love the message - I hate the way old people are not often respected - particularly in western societies.

Roger

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Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2012, 09:19:01 AM » by Tom Riordan

I love the way old people aren't respected
in Western societies. Why should they be?
I'm one of them - and believe me, I know.

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Re: The Old Man
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2012, 04:39:42 PM » by Casey Powers

You surely don't look that old in your little picture there Tom.

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2012, 05:16:10 PM » by Tom Riordan

Oh, that photo from 1960? LOL.
For me, the vig in this poem is the mix of metaphors:

See how he hobbles
little skip and jump,
his persevering rivers
flowing uphill,
carrying one battleship
to fight
wounded pride

as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
amid the gasps of irritation
from other shoppers.

I'd maybe play with that a bit more. Tom

Quote from: Casey Powers on November 28, 2011, 07:31:18 AM

The Old Man

See how he hobbles
little skip and jump
Glad not to move that way
with feeble spirit
but behold his
determination
emulate his
persevering rivers
flowing uphill
carrying one battleship
to fight
wounded pride
on his own
as he crosses the lot
at the big department store
I admire him
Amid the gasps of irritation
from other
potential shoppers

Logged

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2012, 05:47:33 PM » by Casey Powers

okay thanks...and if that photo is from 1960 I can see how you can relate...lol

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2012, 06:36:27 PM » by Roger Fizzerton

Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 11, 2012, 09:19:01 AM

I love the way old people aren't respected
in Western societies. Why should they be?
I'm one of them - and believe me, I know.

Tom - since when was 58 old! If you think that, you must bed suffering for permature... sen premature... sin ...you know that thingy when you cant remember things...

Casey just a note to offer not advice (unless you ask) but encouragement - this is a fine sentiment that needs expressing more often.

Regards,

Roger

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Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2012, 07:07:50 PM » by Tom Riordan

I'm f***ing old enough! And I'm not getting any more respectworthy as I age, I can tell you that!

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Re: The Old Man
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2012, 07:22:38 PM » by Roger Fizzerton

Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 22, 2012, 07:07:50 PM

I'm f***ing old enough! And I'm not getting any more respectworthy as I age, I can tell you that!

LOL! But are'nt we in danger of confusing respect with reverence? And why would you be getting any less respectworthy as you age? What are you doing that's so bad? Dare one ask???! Can you send instructions?

Roger

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Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #13 on: January 22, 2012, 07:41:38 PM » by Casey Powers

oh my goodness gracious

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Casey Powers

Re: The Old Man
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2012, 01:33:18 AM » by Roger Fizzerton

Quote from: Casey Powers on January 22, 2012, 07:41:38 PM

oh my goodness gracious

Casey,

Sorry! Getting carried away! But looking at the poem again, have you considered laking out L3 and L4? It seems (to me) to read better that way. Oh and what about changing 'one' to 'a' in L10?

Regard,

Roger

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Patience is a virtue, they say - but then I never claimed to be virtuous!

(Read 449 times) [1] 2 All

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