Days are trees that fall and make noise whether or not there are ears to hear the lilac
of dawn or the cantaloupe glow of a sun gone for a swim beyond sight.  This morning
the ocean, lazy with sleep, rattled the rocks on the shore with a quiet akin to thin,
narrow lace, the kind of lace worn on a spinster’s high-collared dress in the days of
Emily Dickinson or a little girl’s pinafore in the Holly Hobbie years.  And some angel,
more than likely Raphael’s, had busied the first blue overhead with clouds blown from
a bubble wand.  Crowds of clouds, each owning a piece of eastern light on its high side,
browsing a shifting pasture with no green blades to puncture the still peace.  Only the
snoring sea, riffling in, out, in, out, with quiet purrs.

You succeed, Lynn, not in personifying dawn but in dawnifying yourself. Great how naturally the images just assume their places in the N's conscious & unconscious. Tom

dawnifying myself - - - I like that!  Thanks, Tom.

When I first learnt the phrase Stream of Consciousness and read some examples I was hooked. I like how the tides here move between whimsy and unconscious thought.

Thanks, grant.  You sort of nailed how this came about, a stream of details I journaled at dawn and then tried to compact into a little box of mood.  Thanks for the look and kind words.  ld

Very beautiful Lynne, euphonious in light and texture.   The long sentence beginning "This morning" is tempting to read aloud and then almost defeats breath.   I wonder if a break of some kind might not increase the flow?   And somehow I find the hard science of "prism" jarring....

k

Lynn,

Beautiful, musical, I've can still feel the sand between my toes.

Roger

Thanks Kevin.  I wondered about prism when I used it, trying to keep the bubble idea going and grab at the rainbow colors both prisms and bubbles possess.  But I think you're right about the sound.  Have made a change.  Thanks so much for you read and thoughts.

Roger -- thank you.  Glad it took you there.

lynn 

Lynn,

another nice piece.  I'm not on board with the first two lines though.  I would like to see some changes there or perhaps just have them chopped completely.  It's too close to the "if a tree falls" cliche for me.  Also, it feels incongruous unless we can take a leap and presume ears can detect sunlight ( or are they meant to hear the swimming?).

Potential changes:

do we need the "and make noise?"

Days are trees that fall whether or not there are

could become

Days are trees that fall even without

and what about "eyes to witness"  or something to follow ( that's what i meant with the incongruity)

i'm not sure how clear i am being so i will just give an example:

 if there are no ears to hear the lilac of dawn or eyes to witness the cantaloupe glow of a sun swimming out of sight...


with that said, i prefer it without the first two lines...

Brendan, thanks for your thoughtful suggestions and comments.  I need to give those opening two lines some thought.  Don't want to say too much about my intent with the whimsy of nonsensical sensory usages in this one, but do want to say how very much I appreciate this kind of feedback.  I like knowing what works and what doesn't work, and the variety of readers here at PC is hugely helpful.  Again, big thanks.

ld

Lynn,
my favourite subject ~
flows delicately as intended


Stella

Hi Lynn..

Very interesting, lovely language here...I too like the way it pulls the reader along, to the next surprising image/metaphor, one after another, much as the falling leaves or ocean waves. Your unconventional lines are working here...I never felt burdened by the pace, because your alternating short lines provide a breather. I'm a tad inclined to agree with Brendan re: the opening lines...the 'if a tree falls' lines are too cutesy and self-aware, imo, Lynn, and dont seem to fit the voice of the whole.

Truly enjoyed! A pleasure to read you...
Best,
Sharon

Stella, thanks for kind words and I'm pleased this one moved along well for you.

Sharon, thanks so much.  I'm still thinking about the opening.  I was in a philosophical place and consequently borrowed on an old question to try to bring the reader into that place as well.  Totally agree the line may be too cutesy and self-aware.  Just not ready to toss it as yet. 

Greatly appreciate the feedback.  Thanks!

i was a little thrown off at the first two lines, felt like there was going to be something more about the tree but the 'lilac' just jumped in there and made me back-peddle.  not bad, just made me think.  however, the line with 'a cantaloupe glow' was genius which flowed perfectly into the body.  good name drops, too.  love it!

Reading this again with relish, Lynn.
One little issue, in case you were torn between Raphael and another painter: I stumble slightly there, since the name Raphael summons the angel himself to my mind before it summons the angel-painter. I may be odd, in that, though!
Tom

I purr to this, Lynn.

milner

milner, i thought you might, you old seadog you.  or, i should say, i hoped you might.

tom, i didn't know there was an angel named raphael -- duh (shows how connected i am with heaven, eh?)  but i'm glad for your note.

yes, those opening lines seem to be stumbler for more than one.  thanks for feedback.  much appreciated!

ld

Lynn,

lovely!  absolutely lovely!
i enjoyed this.
i'm going to pick this.

clouds from bubble wands, yeah,
just like that!



tiko