---

Mom, the way she died
I was right there

Her neck, the way it was slit
blood seeped out

Her leg, the way she lifted it
hoping it would ease her pain

This page, I can't see
other things must wait

---

you should consider changing "that" in the last line to "the" or "those".  this is nicely different.  i almost felt it could have ended after Mama.
john

Cheryl, I hope you feel that this has enough of what you were saying your earlier poems didn't! The first few stanzas may strengthen, I think, if shortened. I have trouble figuring out how to readi the last stanza. Tom

Mom, the way she died
that I was right there

Her neck, and the way it was slit
that blood seeped out

Her leg, the way she lifted it
that it would help with her pain

This page, I can't see
that other things will have to wait

Thanks for commenting John.  This came from raw emotion so I posted it in workshop hoping for edit ideas, knowing it would need some changes.  This was a huge weight off my shoulders.  I've been concerned about why my writing seemed mundane, but with this one I bled as Hemmingway says.  I can't do any better than this.

I've already made some changes that will take care of your first suggestion, and will change that last line. 

Thanks,
Cheryl

Tom, thank you.  Was hoping you'd help with this.  I knew, because it was an emotional dam for me, that I would need to cut back a lot of it.  I can remove the last verse, but the poem just seems to hang there w/o it.  I did remove 'that' as John suggested.

Thanks,
Cheryl

Here's my Mom.

what do you want to say in last S?
Mom pic not opening.
Tom

Well, I couldn't read the page for the tears, so I thought it might have a double meaning regarding sometimes we have to let other things wait in order to get over something that's happened, and also that the title said other things I don't talk about, but I couldn't talk about the other things right now for the tears.

Lol, I hope that makes sense.

The pic shows up for me.  Darnit.  There's no other way to post pics here, either.

Cheryl

Cheryl, maybe you can attach your jpg file to a Reply via "Preview" then "Additional Options" then "Choose File"?

Yes, cutting that "that" clarifies it, I agree. Tom

Here's my mom:

Mine was a red x this morning too, Tom, so I took your suggestion.  Can you see her now?  She was a beautiful kind woman, who in many ways was misunderstood, yet never fought back.

Regard the poem, in order to move in to submit, do you think maybe I ought to remove some of the other 'that's?  Like this:  

Mom, the way she died
I was right there

Her neck, and the way it was slit
blood seeped out

Her leg, the way she lifted it
hoping to ease her pain

This page, I can't see it
other things will have to wait

What can I do to move this poem forward?

Thanks,
cheryl

The pic itself appears today on my computer at work, plus the attached file opens fine too. Lovely photo.
I would maybe add an "it" after "see" so people don't misread those two lines together.
I'd go ahead and submit it.

Ok, thank you.  I am anxious to see how this works for others, others not so close to me.

cheryl

Tom, I'm still trimming back.  What do you think of the latest changes.?

Cheryl

Thanks.

WOW!  VERY strong!  Moving to Submit so someone can pick it.

happy to help out!

sorry i wasn't here to see this move.  thanks very much.

cheryl

Cheryl! Welcome back. Tom