Mom and Dad have a sake set:
tiny porcelain cups with no handles.

Each held to the light, you see
a Japanese woman or a Japanese man.

When the dark eyed woman
isn't sleeping, she's fierce.

The poem has the same translucence as the sake cups you describe, which is just lovely, making the last sentence seem so clear and true, for all its mysteries. Tom

I like this, cheryl.

Some thoughts on tightening.

Mom and Dad had a sake set:
tiny porcelain cups with no handles.

Held up to the light, you'd see
a Japanese woman or a Japanese man.

When the dark eyed woman wasn't sleeping,
she was fierce.

Maggie

Thanks Tom, I love your comments.  Just what I could wish for.

Maggie, thank you as well.  Your suggestions are invaluable. 

I made even more changes.  Please let me know what you think.

The thing is I may have changed this from a childhood thing to a 'today' thing.  Not sure that was the wise thing to do.  But heck, I can always change it back.

Thank you very much.

The new edit is wonderful

"Holding each to the light" in L4, to head off misreading (?) that you can't tell if it's a man or woman, rather than that some have a man, some have a woman?

Ross, thank you so much.  Nice meeting you & kind of you to comment.

Tom, thank you.  You're comment makes me think of something I had in mind -- removing the Japanese man altogether, or I could use your idea.  Do I really need both man and woman?  And now that I think about it, I don't think a man was ever visible -- just a beautiful Asian woman with dark eyes and hair.

Having the man there gives her a reason to be fierce, or a someone to be fierce at. The "Mom and Dad" in the original also fed into that idea. Erasing both, a very different poem, depends what's on your mind, I guess.

What the real cups had on them, well, you know me, I'm of the Big Liar School of Poetry! Tom

Tom you're right about the mom & dad thing.  Awesome idea.  Thank you!

I think the full stop after woman works for the poem, Cheryl.

Holding each to the light, you see
a Japanese woman. Or a Japanese man.

Doesn't that makes it sound like you can't tell which, again?

Dressed ornately you might not know. I see it as a silhouette in the light. The headwork could be deceiving.

What if the "or" was dropped but the full stop left in?

...you see a Japanese women.  A Japanese man.

I've been following this one with interest Cheryl - I like it very much - M

`


Sake


Mom and Dad have a sake set:
tiny porcelain cups with no handles.

Holding each to the light, you see
a Japanese woman or a Japanese man.

When the dark eyed woman isn't sleeping,
     she's fierce.



cherylleverette©


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


dear Cheryl

i am delighted with the subtlety of cups with no handles.....
that for me reaches a myriad of dimensions that actually holds universal questioning
firmly within reach.


a warm smile
silent lotus

`

I see and appreciate your points, Maggie.  And I used them.  Thank you.

Tom did I understand & apply your suggestion correctly?

Did taking out 'or' help any?

Maggie, I'm not sure if I'm addressing this issue in the right way?????

Thanks so much Michelle for reading & commenting.  I used your suggestion.

I love your comments silent.  I'd love to hear more.  Thank you.

Cheryl, You've read what we all have to say. let it simmer for a day or three,
or until your muse forces you to pick it back up, then go with your gut, girl.

Thank you Maggie.  You saying that means alot to me.  I'll take your advice.

like the restrained form of this Cheryl.  It fits with the subject very well.

Gosh, for me, the latest version has lost something that the first version had. Not sure what, just the subtlety, I guess.  I still think its great.

`

dear Cheryl

i too prefer the first version

it felt more natural ......less crafted


silent lotus

`

I can always change it back.  Thanks guys & gals.

Change only what you feel is right to change!

Thank you Lavonne.  I rely alot on what you guys tell me.  I need the help, you know>

Thank you so much silent.

Would an editor move this to submit, please.

to Submit...

Thank you, Tom.

interesting.  i like how the man and woman become visible in the light, but cups (mom, dad) have to be held up and seen through illumination.  very interesting.

Each held to the light, you see --------------the way this line is set up, the 'you' is what is held to the light.  Maybe 'You hold each to the light and see' ----- ?  Needs some rearrangement for clarity for this reader.

I like how clean this new layout is.

Thank you, Tom.  I see I've neglected this one.

Lynn, yes, I see what you're saying.  If I insert 'cup' would that be redundant?  I'm going to put that there for now, and do some research on cups.

Thanks to both of you.

Hey Tom, if you don't see this I'll send you a message.  Not sure why, but I had to log in under another log in than the one this poem is written under.  I changed something per Lynn's comment & posted it under my other login.  Can we fix this someway?  Someway simple?  lol  Thank you.

cheryl

For the moment, I'll move this thread over to Journalese, and leave the new thread in Submit www.poetrycircle.com/index.php/topic,23923. Tom

Ha!  There it is.  Tom, wondered what you meant by HOW.  lol