Unicorns and dragons are definite no-no’s
as subjects for poetry.
Wolves are OK but only just.
Never use soul or butterfly
and avoid love if at all possible.

Oh. And if you start a poem with the word THERE
you aren’t, so don’t.

Lavonne....

As always... just add this to the amazing things you write..... wonderful!

Laura

You make me giggle. :)

Every sugar tit lick
and slap of reddened skin,
every indignant, angry
fling of arm and hand
and word,
every proud epiphany
of adolescence and
old age,
every struggle for overstimulation
of nerve endings
that ever
I experienced is quickened again
by your breath on my neck.

Lavonne, this last piece deserves its own page. Nice work.

Just hiding this away for review - it will emerge again.

 Breathes there the girl
« on: November 11, 2006, 09:30:15 AM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
At twelve I learned to breathe a poem.
It took me weeks but in the end
the words came forth upon their own.
The moment I stood before the class
reciting lines to help me pass
tears filled my eyes. I understood!
My teacher said I sounded scared.
She did not expect to find I cared
for the meaning in the words.
So came a zero from her pen
and laughter from the children
Yet doubly dying as I did that day
I could not turn from poesy's sway.
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2006, 09:39:19 AM » by milner place
Rhyming it this way is so apt for the subject. I wondered if to escape the inversion in the last line, you coudn't use 'poetry' as a rhyme for 'day'?  'I couldn't turn away from poetry.'  Could use 'my back on').

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2006, 09:46:32 AM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
Yes! I'll think on that. I want the right number of syllables in that end line.
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2006, 01:44:57 PM » by Vasile Baghiu
A very beautiful and poem, Lavonne!
Vasile
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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2006, 01:47:04 PM » by Lynn Doiron
I like this, lavonne -- but also have a problem with that end line; it seems more natural for "I could not turn away" to open the line.  I'm wondering if "from poetry" might be altered somehow --"from sonnet's sway" -- I dunno.  "from word and rhyme" "from rhyme and poem"

lynn
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lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry blog
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2006, 02:21:09 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
Thanks all. I always thought the end line was very weak.  It took a few new eyes to set me straight.  Lynn, your suggestion was perfect. I have the correct number of syllables and a much stronger line.
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2006, 11:44:44 PM » by Lynn Doiron
*grin*
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lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry blog
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #7 on: Today at 11:14:08 AM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
With all this sonnet talk going around, I thought I'd pull this out to work on. I've replaced the word sonnet in the last line with poesy.

I can count on one hand the number of rhyming poems I've written and this one has some meter problems.

Any suggestions gang?
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #8 on: Today at 12:35:04 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie
el vee,

Head into meterland with this el, vee.

I learned to spit out poetry at twelve* IP

I got a chill from poetry at twelve. ** Tetrameter

The difference between the two is in how you scan the word poetry,
with one or two prominent stresses.

Mugs
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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #9 on: Today at 01:37:22 PM » by silent lotus
Dear Lavonne

if there is an unstudied poet here at the circle
then it is certainly me......so i am in no position
to offer assistance here ......

yet

i should like to say that the beauty of the sentiment expressed
is one that i find compassionate to the soul of poet Greenwolfe
and so many other poets who truly care for the universe
of the creative voice

i hope that whatever revisions may come
that the essence of your message does not
become diminished.

thank you for resurrecting your poem
from the archives

and that you will one day also share
this with us at Buddah's tea house

silent lotus
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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #10 on: Today at 04:10:53 PM » by Lynn Doiron
So pleased to see this back, lavonne.  [Will let the meter experts play with what may need helpl -- I'm useless in that area].  The rhyme fits the age, nostalgia, voice.  A treat.  lynn
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lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry blog
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #11 on: Today at 04:20:36 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie
sl,

Why would you bring up greenwolfe's soul in a thread that should be addressing lavonne's concern with her poem and only that?

If you try and stay on track in the submit, editor's pick and front page threads, less time would be wasted in reading non-essential dialogue that belongs in discusions or pms.

Sidebars have no place in threads when writers are expecting
poet-speak from reviewers which lavonne indicated was her
purpose in reviving this thread.

You yourself say, in the quoted text below, that you are unstudied
and in no position to offer assistence to lavonne in this thread.

A simple I like this lavonne, or anyone else whose poem you read in the future
would serve the poet.

Maggie



Quote
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #9 on: Today at 01:37:22 PM » by silent lotus
Dear Lavonne

if there is an unstudied poet here at the circle
then it is certainly me......so i am in no position
to offer assistance here ......

yet

i should like to say that the beauty of the sentiment expressed
is one that i find compassionate to the soul of poet Greenwolfe
and so many other poets who truly care for the universe
of the creative voice

i hope that whatever revisions may come
that the essence of your message does not
become diminished.

thank you for resurrecting your poem
from the archives

and that you will one day also share
this with us at Buddah's tea house

silent lotus

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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #12 on: Today at 04:29:20 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
Mugs,

Thanks for the road sign. I've been reading it over and over this afternoon. Trying to decide accents/stresses. This is helping me - lots.

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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #13 on: Today at 04:34:27 PM » by silent lotus
Quote from: maggie flanagan-wilkie on Today at 04:20:36 PM
sl,

Why would you bring up greenwolfe's soul in a thread that should be addressing lavonne's concern with her poem and only that?

If you try and stay on track in the submit, editor's pick and front page threads, less time would be wasted in reading non-essential dialogue that belongs in discusions or pms.

Sidebars have no place in threads when writers are expecting
poet-speak from reviewers which lavonne indicated was her
purpose in reviving this thread.

You yourself say, in the quoted text below, that you are unstudied
and in no position to offer assistence to lavonne in this thread.

A simple I like this lavonne, or anyone else whose poem you read in the future
would serve the poet.

Maggie


 


Dear Maggie

Thank you for the tongue lashing.

Yet as i remember it Greenwolfe is a friend of Lavonne's
and came to this site at her invitation.

How unfortunate that my attempt at being
positive about him as well as other poets,
and my way of expressing my most positive appreciation for Lavonne's poem
does not sit well with you in your world.

silent lotus
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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #14 on: Today at 05:11:20 PM » by Tom Riordan
Very curious little poem, Lavonne. Very girl-like indeed. Compellingly interesting. I'm not crazy about "poesy" for "poetry," seems either too seriously lofty or too facetiously lofty to me. Unclear to me: did N never recite the poem, or did she recite it fear- and tear-fully, and got a zero for that? -Tom
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 Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #15 on: Today at 05:22:20 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
I got it out - tearfully and fearfully - she thought I didn't know it but it was burned in my heart and emotion overcame me. Really - it's not very good - I just feel I should expand my horizon! It used to say sonnet but that didn't seem right either. Anyway, isn't poesy just the type of word a girl would use?  Smiley


Breathes there the man, with soul so dead,
Who never to himself hath said,
"This is my own, my native land!"
Whose heart hath ne'er within him burned,
As home his footsteps he hath turned,
From wandering on a foreign strand!
If such there breathe, go, mark him well;
For him no Minstrel raptures swell;
High though his titles, proud his name,
Boundless his wealth as wish can claim;
Despite those titles, power, and pelf,
The wretch, concentred all in self,
Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
And, doubly dying, shall go down
To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
Unwept, unhonoured, and unsung.
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #16 on: Today at 05:33:53 PM » by Tom Riordan
She gave you a ZERO for that?? That's why I was confused, made no sense. Give  me  her  name!

Yes, a girl might well write "poesy" but I want to see that omen of maturity that the poem is, after all, about. I don't read a sentimental girl infatuated with poetry as with a matinee idol, I read the beginning a mature poet.

--Tom
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  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #17 on: Today at 07:10:53 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
Teachers in the sixties - what can I say?

and That's why I'm duke-ing it out with this poem - the woman will win in the end! Smiley
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"I may be a sheep, but I'm pissed off and I don't run in a herd."
  Re: Breathes there the girl
« Reply #18 on: Today at 07:55:28 PM » by EMH
I remember my sophomore year, in an all girl's private school, reading a poem out loud and after I finished it the only thing the teacher asked me was, 'do you write poetry often?' I mumbled yes and quickly sat down. She gave me a D and said it was, 'for effort' because, 'it didn't have a rhyme scheme' (which wasn't required mind you).

I feel ya sista
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"Then a very gentle voice in the distance said, "She must be labeled 'Lass, with care,' you know."
- Through the Looking Glass

I haven't read everything in this thread, mind you. There may be others that deserve their own space as well.

:)

Tentatively entitled

Damn Americans

my grandson brought the Americans
to dinner and they were inquisitive 
always wanting to know things
how we buy food
they called it
                     groceries
I gestured to the garden
that is food I said
I don’t buy
                     groceries
how we travel
                     why should I travel?
I went to Russia
during the war and that was enough travel for a lifetime
I was a general then
these Americans they do laugh a lot
it is enough
I brought out the cognac 
the American boy saw a medal on the wall
what is this? he said
I told him


later I went to the bedroom
and opened the old chest 
in the bottom
was the uniform
I laughed and put on the jacket
the Americans toasted me and I laughed 
by the end of the night the cognac was almost gone
and I was wearing my full uniform 
the holster was stiff and cracked but
the gun had been wrapped in oiled paper.

the snow and rain made a mess of the road
I said stay
tonight
this stone house is cold
but we still have cognac
and blankets
they laughed
and left
the car got stuck halfway up the hill
they all got out to push
I left the house to help
that stiff uniform - I don’t know
maybe it was cognac
I felt strong

we pushed, the woman, the men
got that car to the top
and then I slipped
rolled all the way to the bottom
mud and snow in my face
damn Americans
it was god damn cold 

I was god damn laughing


My son is just back from a trip to Moldova to visit with the family of a friend.
His description of this elderly man had to be told.
He was a General who fought with the Russians in WWII

this is not a poem
she argued
its just a dozen words

perhaps

                 I thought

a picture
would have been
worth more

just pining:
between
respondeat superior
prima facie
and more to come
there is little room
for poems

i rest my case

Paralegal studies is intense.  I miss you all!
My goodness, I admire you CEO!

Carl Sandburg

ruined it
for all cat lovers
and poets

no one
can use
a cat simile
or metaphor

evermore

god doesn’t do
anything
we can’t do
for ourselves
including


destruction

Down at Thirsty Kirsty’s

Poor Stewart laid down the law
one time too many
and what did he get for it?
Booted to the street
for being indiscreet!

Old John Throw
lived up to his name.
“Kirsty would have
turned over in his grave
if I hadna read ‘im the bans.”

“There’s one thing more
that’s as certain
as death and taxes,”
John said as
he mopped the bar.
“Stewart’s opinion always
follows ‘im wherever ‘e goes."

Privately Tom and Pat
raised their glasses
to the newly legislated
smoke-free atmosphere.




LOL I need to get out more - this is the second poem in a row in this subject.
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/147091/Barred_For_Creating_A_Breeze

Hey Lavonne! Really enjoy your playfullness here. The end stanza made me go "whoa, I missed something here" so I re-read it and I really like how you leave just the right amount of holes inside the poem to create an intrigue with the reader. Thank you. Smoke-free rules.