grit and gravy

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grit and gravy
« on: April 13, 2011, 11:47:09 PM » by Tiko Lewis

i don't talk much
about my youth

i was an odd sort
the star athlete who
was afraid of pussy
read dictionaries
carried a collection of
stuffed animals in high school
wore pajama shirts
and house shoes
the final year

touched my first tit at 18
married it three years later
went to college
to become an electrical engineer
ended up discharged
from the Air Force
for being chubby

today it seems like
another person's drowning
a life that could never
be sketched on a napkin
or sold as a one man
broadway show

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2011, 12:21:46 AM » by Tom Riordan

Makes me realize, Tiko, how little we hear about anyone's early teenagehood here in po-land. I think we are more comfortable with our adult foibles to the extent we're grown less selfconscious, but oddly still feel selfconscious about the selves we had back then? Or is it that we didn't and still don't know and can't see those selves well enough to write about them? Were we different people then?

Anyway, loved reading this poem, with all its questions. Tom

Quote from: Tiko Lewis on April 13, 2011, 11:47:09 PM

i've not talked much about
my youth because choir robes
and saturday morning street
revivals aren't interesting

i was an odd sort
the star athlete
who was afraid
of pussy
and read dictionaries
carried a collection of
stuffed animals for three years
of high school
wore pajama shirts
and house shoes
the entire senior year

i touched my first tit at 18
and i married it three years later
went to college to be
an electrical engineer
but ended up discharged
from the Air Force
for being chubby

today it sounds like
another person's drowning
a life that could never
be sketched on a napkin
or sold as a one man
broadway show

i'm telling you
because you won't
believe it

i still don't

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Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2011, 12:29:44 AM » by Tiko Lewis

Tom,

i think it's because
we seldom write honesty.
it doesn't sell or entertain.
it's a rare moment, no doubt,
but honest nonetheless. a Bukowski
moment.

thanks for the read and report.
and while it is personal, i am open
to crits and suggestions.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2011, 12:44:52 AM » by Tom Riordan

Not just honest but very funny too, Tiko. The electrical engineer...discharged --- marrying the first tit....(hope you kept the second one on the side)....

My only revision thought is that both places where you talk about the reader-- revivals etc. "aren't interesting," and "you won't believe it", I demur.

Maybe "don't interest me" or "can't believe they're interesting" - something you can stand behind.

And I don't know what you think I won't believe. Tom

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Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2011, 01:04:35 AM » by Quentin Kirk

Yes, I feel this.................Q

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Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2011, 02:21:34 AM » by James Carver

hi tiko

what is refreshing is the level of honesty and raw appeal.
could have been my life really

much enjoyed and thanks for sharing as always

regards

james

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Enjoy the fruits of labour but never forget to honour the roots of the tree – James Carver

Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2011, 10:13:23 AM » by Tiko Lewis

Tom,
thanks for the insight.
i've made changes; hope
they play well.

Quentin,
thanks for the read and comments.

James,
thanks, glad it connected.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2011, 11:32:12 AM » by Tom Riordan

My response/homage:

teenager in brief

i tried
love-the-one-you're-with

soon
found myself with no one

& reached the conclusion
wild turkey

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Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2011, 11:42:57 AM » by Tiko Lewis

Quote from: Tom Riordan on April 14, 2011, 11:32:12 AM

My response/homage:

teenager in brief

i tried
love-the-one-you're-with

soon
found myself with no one

& reached the conclusion
wild turkey

lol, good brief.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: grits and gravy
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2011, 12:22:24 PM » by Ross Johnson

This is easily the most moving poem I've seen on pc.
Brutally honest, well done Tiko.

Ross

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I want to write a book, but that would take a long time. Maybe a pamphlet or a brochure.

http://www.thecadaverine.com/?cat=10

Re: grit and gravy
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2011, 06:52:41 PM » by larry jordan

Like muchly how this ends. Need to address the voice set up by the first line, then never really address the issue of 'having not talked' might just say "I don't."

larry

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Re: grit and gravy
« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2011, 09:13:37 PM » by Tiko Lewis

Ross,
thanks. appreciate it.

Larry,
the change has been
made. thanks for the
keen ear.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

grit and gravy
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2011, 09:23:54 PM » by R L Raymond

Whoa! Real and touching. And here I am making stuff up all the time. Then again, I guess my kid stuff does creep in, but it was quasi-regular.

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Re: grit and gravy
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2011, 10:11:41 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie

I keep reading, tiko, and keep coming back to it being too narrative a narrative.

It's a wonderful draft but my thinking is you can make its images tighter without losing
the easy way it reveals itself.

Maggie

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Re: grit and gravy
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2011, 10:20:24 PM » by larry jordan

Rob, heading off to bed and noticed your note. My reading of this poem is not enfluenced by any sense of veracity. I have no way of knowing whether this is true or not. It reminds me of television's preoccupation with true story. The premise is that more copies / views can be sold if perceived as true. W. Stevens made an elegant case for poetry as the supreme fiction. I think all fiction is a result of the mining of the individual's life, of our memory. But lord help us if we stopped "Making stuff up."
Perhaps honesty belongs on the witness stand.

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