last supper

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last supper
« on: September 26, 2010, 10:56:52 AM » by milner place

today and yesterdays divided by a hedge
he thought
and in that thinking swung his eyes

to lazy fields
crops
gathered in
the stubble
gleaned
by avaricious
rooks
   lively
   the mermaid
   lusting
   in the surf
   sand stardust
   in the corn-glow
   of her hair

   cold beer

the orchard leaves
crisp golden
spun
waiting
for a wind
to drift them
to the tomb
   her hair
   silk-rustled
   fingered
   by a breeze
   that knew
   the language
   of the vagrant
   albatross
dawn came
like a serpent
sliding
to sad shine
on cold-douched
sky
wearing grey
scarves
and spitting
like
a cat
   skylarks
   threw shadows
   on enamoured
   limbs
   doves singing
   songs
   like
   cloudy down

nights
lengthening
fieldfares
come wintering
frost spangles
on the leafless
trees
casts spiders’ webs
of gleaming
on the pond
   feet stamping
   out a song
   of swelling breasts
   and buds
   skirts all
   awhirl
   nacreous gleam
   of teeth

   rough wine
a rainbow
with the curve of scythe
a broken pot
beside
a river
and a sunken boat
its sails
made into
shrouds
its nails
to clinch
the box.
   each night
   was honey-proud and warmed
   by wind-blown
   music
   of guitars
   the moon
   unnoticed
   curtains
   drawn

a fox bitch
slinks
from harebell copse
   a tall ship
   rides
   a golden sea

   dark
   sneaks up
   with its gauntlet
   grip

   a nightjar
   wings

   the bats
   are dormant
   dreaming
   under eaves

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2010, 11:05:49 AM » by Tom Riordan

Something magnificent in how this is all structured, Milner, that kept elevating me from the meaning of the individual words as I read, in a great way.
Missing space or typo at "of teetha rainbow"?
When I hit the "cold beer," I thought: Milner's so deft (not daft) when he mixes the profane and lyrical. I loved that touch, and had hoped to see it pop up again a bit more in the poem.
Will certainly come to read some more.
Tom

Quote from: milner place on September 26, 2010, 10:56:52 AM

today and yesterdays divided by a hedge
he thought
and in that thinking swung his eyes

to lazy fields
crops
gathered in
the stubble
gleaned
by avaricious
rooks
   lively
   the mermaid
   lusting
   in the surf
   sand stardust
   in the corn-glow
   of her hair

   cold beer

the orchard leaves
crisp golden
spun
waiting
for a wind
to drift them
to the tomb
   her hair
   silk-rustled
   fingered
   by a breeze
   that knew
   the language
   of the vagrant
   albatross
dawn came
like a serpent
sliding
to sad shine
on cold-douched
sky
wearing grey
scarves
and spitting
like
a cat
   skylarks
   threw shadows
   on enamoured
   limbs
   doves singing
   songs
   like
   cloudy down

nights
lengthening
fieldfares
come wintering
frost spangles
on the leafless
trees
casts spiders’ webs
of gleaming
on the pond
   feet stamping
   out a song
   of swelling breasts
   and buds
   skirts all
   awhirl
   nacreous gleam
   of teetha rainbow
with the curve of scythe
a broken pot
beside
a river
and a sunken boat
its sails
made into
shrouds
its nails
to clinch
the box.
   each night
   was honey-proud and warmed
   by wind-blown
   music
   of guitars
   the moon
   unnoticed
   curtains
   drawn [/i

a fox bitch
slinks
from harebell copse
   a tall ship
   rides
   a golden sea

   dark
   sneaks up
   with its gauntlet
   grip

   a nightjar
   wings
   the bats
   are dormant
   dreaming
   under eaves

Logged

Re: last supper
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2010, 11:41:18 AM » by Nora D

aha!!! very nicely done!! right now, this is amazing to me, love the hedge and what I feel presumes to follow within - but then, I might be reading it all wrong - none the less, my first take is - wonderfull!! ty so much for the treat today, I sorely needed it

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Re: last supper
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2010, 11:58:56 AM » by milner place

Thanks, Tom, I've stuck 'rough wine' in to maybe compliment the 'cold beer'.

Now I've my treat for today from you, Nora.

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2010, 09:52:44 AM » by milner place

Tinkered with the end of this. Would welcome feedback on this poem, especially on the form chosen.

milner

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2010, 10:19:52 AM » by Tom Riordan

In last S, I miss the beat of the "the" before "bats." The form, Milner, is so clear and at the same time provides so much complexity, leading to the less indented final S's, which just do seem to be perfectly balanced in several different respects and directions. I'm a big fan of this poem! The title, I'm not sure about. -Tom

Quote from: milner place on September 26, 2010, 10:56:52 AM

today and yesterdays divided by a hedge
he thought
and in that thinking swung his eyes

to lazy fields
crops
gathered in
the stubble
gleaned
by avaricious
rooks
lively
the mermaid
lusting
in the surf
sand stardust
in the corn-glow
of her hair

cold beer

the orchard leaves
crisp golden
spun
waiting
for a wind
to drift them
to the tomb
her hair
silk-rustled
fingered
by a breeze
that knew
the language
of the vagrant
albatross
dawn came
like a serpent
sliding
to sad shine
on cold-douched
sky
wearing grey
scarves
and spitting
like
a cat
skylarks
threw shadows
on enamoured
limbs
doves singing
songs
like
cloudy down

nights
lengthening
fieldfares
come wintering
frost spangles
on the leafless
trees
casts spiders’ webs
of gleaming
on the pond
feet stamping
out a song
of swelling breasts
and buds
skirts all
awhirl
nacreous gleam
of teeth

rough wine
a rainbow
with the curve of scythe
a broken pot
beside
a river
and a sunken boat
its sails
made into
shrouds
its nails
to clinch
the box.
each night
was honey-proud and warmed
by wind-blown
music
of guitars
the moon
unnoticed
curtains
drawn

a fox bitch
slinks
from harebell copse
a tall ship
rides
a golden sea

dark
sneaks up
with its gauntlet
grip

a nightjar
wings

bats
are dormant
dreaming
under eaves

Logged

Re: last supper
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2010, 11:09:57 AM » by Doris Chance

I like the hedge-jumping format, not sure I have grasped the poem. Will read again.

Cheers

Logged

Yes. I don't read poetry.

Re: last supper
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2010, 12:41:41 PM » by milner place

Thanks so much, Tom. I've got that 'the' back. The title was important in conceiving the poem, but now it's done its job I'll give it further thought.

Doris, I'm glad you liked the concept. Hope it draws you back, and that whatever you grasp is pleasurable.

Cheers

milner

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2010, 01:34:33 PM » by Tiko Lewis

Milner,

i read down one side, then down the other side as well as 'hedge jumping' as Doris put it.
for me it yielded two totally different poems, which i found quite fascinating. i can't say i
walked away with an overall impression or grasp, but it was, nevertheless, a fun read. the
language was excellent, as it is par for you, and the format allowed this to bloom in several
directions. i enjoyed very much. when read down each side, it seemed like a progression
but when read jumping the hedge, it seemed to happen simultaneously, opposing each other
competing and coexisting. and in the final stanzas, the form comes together and stays apart
depending how you read it (separating the fonts or all together or mis-matched) yielding
many different endings options.

true art, sir. i have nothing but the highest praise for this offering.

thanks,

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: last supper
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2010, 03:04:34 PM » by Tiko Lewis

uuummmmmmmmmmm, i'm picking this!!!!

tiko

Logged

...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: last supper
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2010, 05:16:26 PM » by milner place

wooooooooooooow Tiko. Muchos thanks

milner

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2010, 05:26:24 PM » by Doris Chance

Thank you, Tiko. That was sort of kinda what I was going to say - ish.

Not so much grasped as enjoyed, in other words.

Logged

Yes. I don't read poetry.

Re: last supper
« Reply #12 on: September 28, 2010, 06:31:48 AM » by milner place

Thanks, Doris. I'm so happy this has been enjoyed, because it was an instance of the poem choosing the form rather than being fitted into a comfortable one.

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2010, 08:34:09 AM » by silent lotus

dear Milner

i see multiple presentations
here are a few thought sketches

silent lotus

1) a scroll with a horizontal layout
( presented about ten meters long on a white wall, with raised letters (embossing) and lit by only
an overhead strip of sklylights to create an ever so faint shadow under the letters

2) a hanging Noren where the base is held tight by rope and rocks......and the top perhaps
with rope and a very heavy ( large ) wooden set of blocks and tackles

3) on a stage where the text is presented by projection ( creating a floating poem )
and having 18 readers spaced randomly in the audience who would stand up only when
reading their words in between (extremely soft) recordings of nature......the sea breeze,
leavings rustling,rain etc etc etc.

~

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Re: last supper
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2010, 09:48:44 AM » by Dax

splendid, g
bueno!

d

.

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“Always be nice to bankers. Always be nice to pension fund managers. Always be nice to the media. In that order.” - John Gotti

Re: last supper
« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2010, 09:49:08 AM » by Tom Riordan

4) a grizzled man standing beside a pint of ~~pale ale~~ Black Sheep bitter.

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Re: last supper
« Reply #16 on: September 28, 2010, 03:39:41 PM » by milner place

Wow, SL, this may be better than I'd thought.

Mil gracias, Don R.

Tom, could you make it Black Sheep bitter rather than pale ale? I'd soak that up.

Cheers

milner

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #17 on: September 28, 2010, 09:56:35 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie

Mil, thoughts on a more fluid opening.

Interesting poem. Mag

today and yesterday's divided by a hedge
he thought
and in that thinking swung his eyes

to lazy field crops
gathered in stubble
gleaned
by avaricious
rooks

the orchard leaves
crisp
golden
spun
wait for a wind
to drift them
to the tomb

dawn rode in
on a cold-douched sky
wearing grey scarves
and spitting like a cat

The language loses control of its images for me in these lines, Mil.
nights
lengthening
fieldfares
come wintering
frost spangles
on the leafless
trees
casts spiders’ webs
of gleaming
on the pond

The rest works to here:
Bats are nocturnal. They should be waking.

bats
dormant
under eaves
begin to waken

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Re: last supper
« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2010, 10:14:34 PM » by larry jordan

Milner, The format makes the poem, increases the contrapuntal nature of the seen / imagined. I of course like the non-narrative flow. Wonder if it could end at 'dreaming'. Any explanation, clarification with modifiers makes the narrator too present.
This is a work that initiates savoring. Quite fine indeed.

larry

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Re: last supper
« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2010, 07:26:54 AM » by milner place

Thanks for your work and suggestions here, Maggie. I must give it more thought because although I'm attracted by the suggestions, I have also to consider them in relation to the other side of the poem.

Here bats hibernate in the cold months, and it's to that I'm referring.

Thanks, Larry. I'll consider that chop at the end. I did want the bats asleep and sheltered, and so tucked them up under the eaves. Maybe a re-ordering may occur to me.

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #20 on: September 29, 2010, 08:54:30 AM » by milner place

Oh, forgot to mention that pint went down a treat, Tom. Off for another.

Cheers

milner

Logged

'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #21 on: September 29, 2010, 09:00:52 AM » by Tom Riordan

Any time, mate.

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Re: last supper
« Reply #22 on: September 29, 2010, 09:12:37 AM » by silent lotus

Quote from: milner place on September 29, 2010, 08:54:30 AM

Oh, forgot to mention that pint went down a treat, Tom. Off for another.

Cheers

milner

dear Milner

Black Sheep Bitter & Bats

feels like there could be a poem there too !

cheers
silent lotus

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Re: last supper
« Reply #23 on: September 29, 2010, 10:43:55 AM » by milner place

That will test my mettle, SL. It's not my lot to 'suckle fools and chronicle small beer'.

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #24 on: September 29, 2010, 12:23:07 PM » by Lynn Doiron

beautiful, and all other words of praise already left to grace this thread.

lynn

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

Re: last supper
« Reply #25 on: September 30, 2010, 05:00:48 AM » by Tiko Lewis

it's my most esteemed pleasure to place this
on the front page! it's such an adventure.

tiko

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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

Re: last supper
« Reply #26 on: September 30, 2010, 05:21:04 AM » by James Carver

agreeing with tiko. loved the structure and word usage which suited the piece quite well

cheers

james

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Re: last supper
« Reply #27 on: September 30, 2010, 10:00:45 AM » by milner place

Oh frabjus day. That's set me chortling, Tiko, and thanks for such a generous endorsement.

Your words are also music, Lynn and James.

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #28 on: September 30, 2010, 11:19:50 AM » by Tom Riordan

congrats, Milner! Tom

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Re: last supper
« Reply #29 on: September 30, 2010, 04:39:59 PM » by R Raymond

Printed and saved. Even more enjoyable in the tactile form. On nice paper. With notes.

Thanks for a great one. RLR

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Re: last supper
« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2010, 05:28:36 PM » by milner place

Thanks, Tom.

Much gratified by that compliment, Bob.

I raise my glass of Black Sheep bitter to you both.

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2010, 09:41:58 PM » by Lavonne Westbrooks

Glad to see this here!

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Re: last supper
« Reply #32 on: October 01, 2010, 06:55:40 AM » by milner place

Me too, Lavonne ;). As an ex editor I'm so aware, as many members may not be, of all the thankless administrative work you put in for the site. Thanks on behalf of all.

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #33 on: October 01, 2010, 10:51:51 AM » by Oskar

milner

Let me add to the applause. A pleasure to read.

I just wondered if

dark
sneaks up
with its gauntlet
grip

might stand a small improvement? sneaks up lacks the splendour of the lines that precede it, imho.

dark
smuggles in
its gauntlet
grip

This might provide a useful link with the sea perhaps?

Just a thought.

Regards

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Re: last supper
« Reply #34 on: October 01, 2010, 12:40:45 PM » by milner place

Thanks, Oskar. I'll think on the that 'sneaks up'. I don't think 'smuggles' quite fits my bill, but that doesn't rule it out. Most alternatives in my head at the moment have little 'splendour'. Wouldn't wish to be to clever here just for the sake of being 'poetic'. I'll muse...

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #35 on: October 02, 2010, 09:13:28 AM » by StellaR

amazing pen, milner

pleased to see it on the Front Page
many congratulations!

Stella

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“Logical argument is what destroys poetry because poetry is beyond logic.” Robert Graves

Re: last supper
« Reply #36 on: October 02, 2010, 09:44:50 AM » by Lynn Doiron

Applause from here, Milner!

ld

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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

Re: last supper
« Reply #37 on: October 02, 2010, 01:44:18 PM » by milner place

Thanks, Stella, Lynn. My cup runneth over, making me tipsy trying to lap it all up, especially after John's piece.

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

Re: last supper
« Reply #38 on: October 06, 2010, 09:14:34 PM » by tom mccoy

Nice dichotomy that really works together. And seamless re-integration. For some
reason I was jarred by the "cold-douched sky"--seemed out of character with the
rest of the poem, I guess. Good poem nicely rendered.

tom mccoy

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Re: last supper
« Reply #39 on: October 07, 2010, 08:20:00 AM » by milner place

Thanks, Tom. I'll think further on 'cold-douched', though it seems to describe what we've been having lately in this happy island.

Cheers

milner

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

(Read 5862 times) 1 2 3 [All]

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