his worth
smoke in the nostrils
of humanity

cast out
a bastard son
left to rot
on a puke-invested sidewalk

he still wore the same smile
when last I saw him

I don't get "worth," James, and I think you can cut "like a bastard son" and maybe the "how odd" line too. Tom

maybe he = his?
agree with Tom's assessment, leaving:

his worth
like smoke in the nostrils
of humanity

left to rot
on a puke-invested sidewalk

he still wore the same smile
when I saw him last

thanks,

tiko

The smile isn't established as his emblem in the last stanza.

I think it's just a matter of construct.  I also think the 'how odd' needs to stay
since N has established his attitude in the previous two stanzas.


Here's how the last line works for me:

How odd
I always find him with a smile.

Maggie

vivid colours, James
as I read the poem aloud, I removed the word like from the first two stanzas. smoother for me. it is your piece, so you make the final cuts. I also think his works better than he.

his worth
smoke in the nostrils
of humanity

cast out
a bastard son
left to rot
on a puke-invested sidewalk

how odd
he still wore the same smile
when I saw him last



just my opinion, James.
I love the poem with or without changes

Stella

Agree with Stella's amendments, James. For me, I'd keep the last line as it denotes a sort of timelessness, though maybe it could read easier as 'when I last saw him'. Much enjoyed.

milner

thanks tom,tiko and stella for the comments and suggestions
definitely an improvement
much appreciated

cheers

james

thanks milner

the changes are in effect

cheers

james

enjoyed the changes.
very clear and direct.

thanks,

tiko

thanks tiko

cheers

james

After the chock full stanzas, 1 & 2, how about something a little simpler?

his worth
smoke in the nostrils
of humanity

cast out
a bastard son
left to rot
on a puke-invested sidewalk

and yet he wears a smile