roofing


              when like a shopping cart in a parking lot
              death crashes into you
              and your worm-drive mechanism and rack and pinion
              are shot
              and all the ships of air and trains of morning
              move into darkness
              and even the cough of money in the soft milk country
              becomes a kingdom of spiders and black bells
              i will remember the day we were roofing
              when the nails fell in the sand by the back door
              how you said if they were just a little more here
              than there it would look like jesus with a backpack
              and we could start a new religion and perhaps kiss
              the soft throat of heaven

What a pleasure to read. 

My only suggestion would be to remove the 'and' between 'religion' and 'perhaps'.

Maggie

when like a shopping cart in a parking lot
              death crashes into you
              and your worm-drive mechanism and rack and pinion
              are shot
              and all the ships of air and trains of morning
              move into darkness
              and even the cough of money in the soft milk country
              becomes a kingdom of spiders and black bells
              i will remember the day we were roofing
              when the nails fell in the sand by the back door
              how you said if they were just a little more here
              than there it would look like jesus with a backpack
              and we could start a new religiion(,) and perhaps kiss
              the soft throat of heaven

great writing, Tom

congratulations for the pick!


Stella

Yes, Yes.  Some of the smallest things are remembered for a lifetime.  Lots of big stuff forgotten.  Liked your poem.

I could talk about tone, energy, flow, and lineation, the line-breathing I mentioned to Tom today;
I could talk about about clarity, even make a couple more minor suggestions, but I'm not going
to do any of that because each and every time I've read this poem since it was posted I've left it
satisfied.

Maggie

Thank you, Tom.

Good job.


d







.

Hi Tom,

The juxtaposition of Star-Trek technology with the relatively humble "rack and pinion" added a nicely surreal
tone to the crash-bang opening.

I had fun interpreting
             
              and all the ships of air and trains of morning
              move into darkness

but tbh I didn't get anywhere with
              and even the cough of money in the soft milk country
              becomes a kingdom of spiders and black bells

  - maybe that is what you are aiming for, like the reader "reading" the random pattern of nails in the sand.

Favourite tidbit:
A little more here than there
- and the nails would look like Jesus and the shopping trolley would miss.

I'm liking Maggie's suggestion about omitting "and" - I did stutter a little at that point. Subjectively, I found
"maybe" easier to fit in than "perhaps". Just a suggestion.

Much enjoyed
Geoff


             
             

Excellent Tom, a well deserved Front Page.

congrats, Tom.
well done.

tiko

A very fine poem, Tom. I note an extra 'i' in 'religion'.

milner

I'm going to go out on a limb and remove that extra "i".
Congrats on pick, Tom.
Tom

Really really fresh.  So refreshing to read.  Thank you.

Delightful.

larry

A beautifully clear window opening onto a memorable moment. I have been touched every time I read it.

Terrific read.  Excellent pick for featured work!

lynn

i will remember the day we were roofing
when the nails fell in the sand by the back door
how you said if they were just a little more here
than there it would look like jesus with a backpack

This is a fantastic four lines.  Running from quotidian, to imagistic, to religious and right back again, in a perfectly tight little package.  Very good stuff right there.

Tom,

I like the images very much and thought the visuals of the nails in the sand was wonderful.
The first part of the poem seem like coming through a fog and then stepping into a clear memory. I enjoyed the milk country- spiders lines even though i am not clear what it means exactly, it was sufficiently interesting to ponder. Cow, spiders, black bells, very interesting images to link.

Really liked the "soft throat of heaven".

Reading this was a wonderful welcome to the site.
Congratulations on getting a Front Page feature.

Suzy

this was a great pick for the front page, really enjoyed this poem - Nice work Tom!!