I could not not be bothered
with vain attempts
as truthful
as a bad man’s eulogy

in the end,
we shall all hang
from the same
dark baobab, etched
upon the night sky

dear James

my ear and inner ear were pleased here.

unfamiliar with the Baobab ......and after searching

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adansonia

i enjoy as well that where it resides lends to the environment of your canvas.

smiles
silent lotus

enjoy this, James,
though
the first line is
a bit too fancy for
the simple goodness
that follows, for me
at least.

thanks,

tiko

thanks tiko.
will consider revising the first line

all the best

james

I like the end quite a bit, James - thinking of every departed soul assuming a place in the night sky.
Here, a bit of a bump:

as truthful
as a dead man’s eulogy

Seems redundant. It seems you want to say "as truthful/as a bad man's eulogy" or something like that? Tom

I don't go anywhere with this, James; the 2s is cliché at best despite your use of baobab.

What's going on with bothered and mocked; is he not bothered at being mocked?
For conversation's sake, I'm going with that interpretation.

I liked your original opening line: it had rhythm and tension in the right places the way it led my expectation, I could not not be
but then it lost me at line 2, and I think bothered needs to move up and end the first line.

To me this stanza is trying very hard to be poetic.

I could not be
bothered, mocked
with empty words
as truthful
as a dead man’s eulogy

Going a different place for a mo, what if you come at your intent more directly, with fewer words.

Here's my messing:

I could not not be bothered
with vain attempts from dead apologies.

Hear the footsteps to the end of the line, James.

Maggie

thanks tom

i see what u mean.will make changes asap.

all the best

hi maggie

i have made some changes

hope it is an improvement

regards

james

I'm not sure S2 follows either logically or emotionally from S1, but I love S2

thanks rick

appreciate the comments

cheers

james