These events become parenthetical,
sliding past your real life  (moments in doorways,
rain-beleaguered; nights in anonymous hotels)
unexamined. You can prove these things don't happen.
The normal rules preclude kissing young ladies
(behind the curl of hair around her ear)  naturally
you have no habit of checking
it isn't going on.

--

(original)

These events become parenthetical,
sliding past your real life -- moments in rain
-beleaguered doorways, anonymous hotels --
unexamined. You can prove these things don't happen.
The normal rules preclude kissing young ladies --
behind the curl of hair around her ear -- naturally
you have no habit of checking
it isn't going on.

This has a great deal of charm, but the bizarre punctuation & line break in the middle of "rain-beleaguered" tries its best to nullify all of them with confusion, given all the dashes! -Tom

Ian,

this is a good write.  loved it
all the way.  i agree about
the dashes, but the write
is spot on.

tiko

Hi all,

I think I have tried to be too clever by 50%...

Rewritten to show what I meant with the dashes...

Ian

suits title better now too

much better now!

Thanks guys!

I'm getting a bit of a "text dump" effect now, however, e.g. of one unbroken block of quite hard to read text.

Maybe I need some breaks as well?

Ian

i agree line breaks would add
clarity and an easier
pace.

ian, really enjoyed this - like how it all works together and that each part of this title, content and form work nicely together

Sticks to the ribs. Excellent. (wonder if there is a way to get at this without 'these'?)

larry

yeah, it is time to pick this.

tiko

Wow, thanks again!