Curling like body smoke
unseen, unscented,
your breath dissipates
to pine rafters.

Thoughts bleed to
crackled varnish,
meld into dreams.
Ordered in daylight

but rambling after.
Twisted yarns,
feint reminders
of words said or unsaid.
Promises, trothes, sighs;
a hand around your throat.

That game you played
when you were right
and no one contested
or threw pebbles
in the moat.

Queen of a lost castle,
your troops will soon enough
march away.
The nightly saracens
press advantage into
dimming day.

Rolled away
all roled away
with nothing but a cuddle
and a scold.

The car is in the drive
but the engine's
ticking down
to cold.

Cheeky little bump as this one seems to be disappearing without trace. Apologies.
I thought it might strike a chord with some females on the board as it's really about life/relationships post children leaving home.
Perhaps it's faut is its not clear enough?
Thanks,
Marc

Marc, I've always thought it a problem at poetry readings when the poet has to presage his/her delivery by saying 'this poem is about...'.

Cheers

milner

Curling like body smoke
unseen, unscented,
your breath dissipates
to pine rafters.

Thoughts bleed to
crackled varnish,
meld into dreams.
Ordered in daylight

but rambling after.
Twisted yarns,
feint reminders
of words said or unsaid.
Promises, trothes, sighs;
a hand around your throat.

That game you played
when you were right
and no one contested
or threw pebbles
in the moat.

Queen of a lost castle,
your troops will soon enough
march away.
The nightly saracens
press advantage into
dimming day.

Rolled away
all roled away
with nothing but a cuddle
and a scold.

The car is in the drive
but the engine's
ticking down
to cold.

Hi Marc,

Overall, I think you have something here, but I think you're  over-complicating the narrative with:

Queen of a lost castle,
your troops will soon enough
march away.
The nightly saracens
press advantage into
dimming day.

-unless you feel it is absolutely necessary for the reader to know that "she" is contemplating the emptiness of her life when the kids have grown up and left., then I might be tempted to omit this stanza altogether.
Even if the answer is "yes" then I still think "dimming day" is a tad hackneyed; while "saracens" seems an odd
choice of adversary and "press advantage" sounds archaic to my ear. Just my opinion of course.  

OTOH I like the  "moat" image and the segue to "castle" so maybe just consider reworking the second half?

Anyway, enjoyed
Geoff
 

two things stood out to me in S3. 

1. 'but rambling after' seemed out of place to me. 
i think 'ordered in daylight' stands very well on it's own.

2. 'feint reminders of words said and unsaid' - i think you
can remove the words said and unsaid. it leaves it upon
for the reader to interpret, and words said and unsaid
of used.

i think you have some good stuff in this one, but you're
maybe trying to do too much with it.

thanks,

tiko

You might want to start this over, figure out what it is you're trying to say, pick a metaphor, and stick with it. Maggie



Curling like body smoke—
unseen, unscented breath—
a dissipation occurs in the rafters.