Hannahkotoba

I was in love once. Just once.
We were poets, with our own language of
petals and love. She was wished out of poems
and stories, sweet beckoning looks with two blue roses;
her words as soft as daisy chains.
I gave her my heart wrapped in a lotus flower.

Its dark now, as love lies bleeding
dripping from the walls. She spoke;
‘its not Orion in the cosmos’,
it’s Cupid himself; running scared, heartbroken.
The rabid dog he keeps so close
amongst the stars that would have to die for her fantasies;
-a lovers best friend.
Deceit upon a pillow upon a pedestal.

Now, the cherry blossom falls like velvet snow
as I stare from the window. I notice Her,
skipping past puddles and Portobello cafes
like a black and white photo, under a sudden shower.
And there on the breeze blows my lotus flower.
kicked and stained and thrown aside for whoever,
and now the tiger lilies burn brighter than ever.


Skindress

She wears her very skin like a dress,
A pale white robe, antique and timeless
Two emerald green broaches spark and
Fizz like the champagne you feed her.
Loved fingers curl like lilies in the wind,
If she spoke the wind would surely answer.
But would you confess to her,
As she’s Leaning closer, breathing shards of sunstone passion
That you wouldn’t remove your surgical mask to kiss her.

Both are works in progress and i dont consider either to be finished, so i would greatly appreciate any thoughts on either(: 'Hannahkotoba' concerns the Japanese language of flowers, although im not sure this is clear within the poem.

Ross, welcome to our humble ebode, hope you enjoy.
I like the concept, and how this opens, and I like the last line, but I get bumped out by "She was wished out of poems / and stories" and in S2, the missing ? apostrophes discourage me, and I never really get back in the poem. Tom

Thank you! I'd also like to say thanks for taking the time to comment Tom. I'm embarrassed at the missing apostrophes! I would appreciate any help you could offer, as my English teacher is less than encouraging. I will look over the poem again with your comments. Any thoughts on 'skindress'?

Enjoyed both of these, Ross. Maybe some tightening - check every adjective and question whether similes might be replaced by metaphors for more strength. 'shards' are unfortunatley an over-used cliche amongst some poets, and unless used very specifically are best avoided, in my view. I believe its stronger here without 'shards of', going then straight to the breath of 'sunstone passion' for the reader to inhale.

Look forward to more in due course.

milner

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http://www.noguchi.org/tengoku.htm


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