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  From the Cave
« on: September 05, 2010, 05:52:09 PM » by larry jordan
[15]
         from a sequence, Comme Ci, Comme Ca

The rippling thrummed since the Pleistocene,
shimmers now in a pail, lapping at the rims.
The sky inhales the lightning in a cloud’s last glimpse.
A martin tucks its wings in a somersault dare
with mosquitoes, gnats, arrows of Artemis, winning
the draw for a hot, full bath in a cerulean wash.
It’s the mirror-sheen that practices in the lake’s calm light
to keep the sloshing down to a filament.
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  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2010, 07:25:15 PM » by Tom Riordan
A lot of pop in here, Larry. S2-4 stronger than S1 for me. Also I wonder about S4 as 1, or some other different order.

His tongue got stuck to a battery node,
working its shimmer in a pale of water.
The ripples drummed from the Pleistocene
smoking air with lightening,
smacking trees, trembling heels.

From the tips of wings his shirt billowed
at the buttons, while he boxed clouds, daring
sky to limit what his voice could pry
off the buried, of the names
no one left could pronounce.

At the crests of his awakenings, his fingers froze,
wind tore the ice from his hair, his pulse
retreated to its root. Heeding prophecy,
he made string hum, then reeds, till the forests
swayed and shook their needles.

The halls filled, the floors were muddy.
We crowded in with everyone,
curious to watch the hatchling
peck through its shell.


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  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2010, 09:25:55 PM » by StellaR


did you mean to use lightening rather than lighting in L4?
I love abstraction so read it both ways

will certainly return to enjoy this post again, Larry

Stella

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“Logical argument is what destroys poetry because poetry is beyond logic.” Robert Graves

  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2010, 09:28:39 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie
Larry, What if you started here?  Mag

he boxed clouds, daring the sky
to limit what his voice could pry
off the buried, names no one left
could pronounce.
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  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2010, 12:18:21 PM » by Lynn Doiron
off the buried, of the names ----- I seem to want a repeat of "off" to replace the "of"

I'm reading this [fascinated, challenged, interested, and in the end, satisfied] as a combination of birth of the universe and myth/religion. 
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2010, 10:41:48 PM » by Tiko Lewis
Larry,

i enjoyed this, but
i don't have the foggiest
idea what it's about.
:)

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2010, 04:01:28 PM » by larry jordan
This is still incubating. Thanks for the reads.
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  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2010, 06:29:05 PM » by larry jordan
Been working this and it developed into one of group that has been gnawing at me for some time. The original grew up and left home.

larry
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  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2010, 11:41:55 PM » by Tom Riordan
Excellent, Larry. An exciting read. Tom
[15]
         from a sequence, Comme Ci, Comme Ca

The rippling thrummed since the Pleistocene,
shimmers now in a pail, lapping at the rims.
The sky inhales the lightning in a cloud’s last glimpse.
A martin tucks its wings in a somersault dare
with mosquitoes, gnats, arrows of Artemis, winning
the draw for a hot, full bath in a cerulean wash.
It’s the mirror-sheen that practices in the lake’s calm light
to keep the sloshing down to a filament.

Logged

  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2010, 02:46:03 AM » by Lynn Doiron
A couple 'the' uses I thought might go:

[15]
         from a sequence, Comme Ci, Comme Ca

The rippling thrummed since the Pleistocene,
shimmers now in a pail, lapping at the rims.
The sSky inhales the lightning in a cloud’s last glimpse.
A martin tucks its wings in a somersault dare
with mosquitoes, gnats, arrows of Artemis, winning
the draw for a hot, full bath in a cerulean wash.
It’s the mirror-sheen that practices in the lake’s calm light
to keep the sloshing down to a filament.


Much enjoyed the movement and color, the martin and somersault through nature/time.
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry

  Re: From the Cave
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2010, 08:06:39 AM » by Tom Riordan
to Picks.
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 (Read 442 times) [1]
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