pitched   

impelled
         upstream


struggling
  to keep
        head
      above the rush

below the radar





Stella Read
September 5, 2010






1st revision

pitched   

we float
         upstream
in unseen currents

struggle
to keep
   heads
      above the rush

below the radar



original:


complications



pitched into  

we float
         upstream
in unseen currents

a struggle
to keep
   head
      above the rush

  or below
the radar

Liking this Stella on the  2nd read.  Iwonder if changes to the small words might tighten

pitched into

we float
         upstream
in unseen currents

a struggle
to keep
   heads
      above the rush

  or and below
the radar

Stella, wonderful image. I like what Sue suggested, brings the immediacy in the poem to the tip of one's tongue. Excellent.

larry

Floating upstream has such strong feel to it, Stella, whether read as sinister or good-magical. Tom

 I had considered 'and' rather than 'or'. sue, your tweaks are great! will adopt them all or most of them, much obliged!

very kind of you, Larry. your review is greatly appreciated

merci, Tom. always interests me to know how another person views a particular image


Stella

A thought, Stella.

pitched   

we float
         upstream
in unseen currents

struggle
to keep
   heads
      above the rush

below the radar

perfect, maggie; wish I'd thought of it!
going to make the change
 thanks

Stella

Much enjoyed, Stella. 

I'm not really one for the "full of gaps" approach, but this rather striking...

Nice one.

Very sure brush strokes, as ever, Stella. Excellent.

milner

enjoy the multiple
interpretations of pitched!

this is a wonderful read.

i enjoyed.

tiko 

Stella, reading again, enjoying again.  But today [feeling onery and picky, I guess] the radar end word and the two water references [upstream and rush] not quite in sync.  Don't know what the answer is, or if any answer is needed beyond what you already have.  Just sayin' ... 

"below the wind"?

Not the wind, Tom.

Stella, what about something edgier, staying above a second time:

above the rush

above the obvious

I think it's too short a piece for another water reference ; a word that suits your intent can bring motion to line like the iambic feet in above the obvious.

Maggie

thank you, Lynn, bodkin, milner, tiko for kind replies.
also Lynn, Tom and Maggie for revisiting

Lynn, you're right to challenge. I hate it when things have to make sense! that said, I've given it some thought and wonder if changing the opening to 'hooked' rather than pitched would solve the problem. will look again at your suggestions Tom and Maggie. the poem has to  the feeling of being pulled along but still wanting to remain hidden or below the radar.


thanks again for all replies and suggestions


Stella