Your origami man,
folded just so.
Folded to be the
shape of a dream.
Crease created
to form and reform
a figure of perfection.
But unfolded
no more than a mirror
to the paper shaper.
Your own desire's
flat reflection.

Having read this several times, I keep coming to the same thought: that the Origami Man would be the better title.
I think the image of the paper shaper belongs in the body of the poem.

And here, the poet has put himself into the piece with editorial:

But unfolded
no more than
your own
dreams
reflection.

Maybe focus the poem on the man and his dream, using the art form as your vehicle.


ex:

Origami Man

With the precision of a paper shaper,
he folded his best dreams just so.

or

Each morning, he folded the bits of dreams he remembered.
With the precision of a paper shaper, they were creased and
saved, sorted into bowls on a table near his bed, good dreams
in the white bowl, dark dreams in the black.

You have the wonderful images of a paper shaper and the origami man, develope your intent around them
in language as precise as the paper shaper works.

Maggie
















Origami man
folded just so.
Folded to be the
shape of a dream.
Crease created
to form and reform
a figure of perfection.

Thanks Maggie - but I'm writing this from a woman's perspective.

She is the paper shaper creating her origami man from a blank piece of paper. Creating her man the way she wants and yet unfolded he is no more than a reflection of her dream... I probably need to make that clearer I suppose.

Also in short poems I'm always reluctant to use a phrase from the poem as the title unless unavoidable.

Needs more work I guess - it was only a very quick write so really I should post it in the workshop section...
Thanks - appreciated your response,
Marc

For me it reads as if addressing "origami man", so the distinction of "your own reflection" doesn't carry, Marc.

Thanks for the explanation, Marc. It helps knowing your intent.
Remember two things: image and language.

Now, two more: opening and closing lines.

As an exercise in exploration, Marc, leaving Origami Man as the title for the moment,
try working off these opening images to something of your own

She shapes the face of a dream—
white paper deader than her fantasies—

or

Each point, each angled crease

The most important thing to remember is you need to learn to enjoy the torture of revision.
It's the most important part of any poem. I'm paraphrasing greater minds than mine, btw.

Keep at it, Marc; paper shaper and origami man in the same poem is magic waiting to happen.
Let them stew until they force you back to the table.

Maggie