mercy
swims

in
the
drippings
of
your
second
breakfast
taco

patience
lies
dregged

in
the
bottom
of
that
cup
of
coffee

ready
your
account

the
wax
is
cooled

and
positioned
to
record

really like the images of congealing in 2nd half of poem, Tiko, how the recording wax gives the taco drippings weight. Tom

having some issues with verb tenses in this one.  
i'm trying to relay it as a monolog, giving an account
of what's happened and what's to come.  any
advice on shaping it is appreciated.

made some changes based on your comments.

thanks,

tiko

This simpler version reads better as speech, outloud or thought. I love how it switches the position of power.

"dregged" for "drowned" occurs to me as maybe worth considering.

I didn't understand the chalk lines but they were intriguing.

like the change to dreg. 
honestly, the chalk lines
added nothing, but i liked
them, too. :D  they were
just part of the writing process.
but, i don't think they added
anything to the write, but i
could be wrong. 

thanks for coming back. 

tiko

maybe something else with the chalk lines??

The tense anomaly in your draft was bugging me, Tiko.

Here's some messing. Maggie

mercy
swims

in
the
drippings
of
your
second
breakfast
taco

patience

reduced
to
dregs
in
the
bottom
of
that
cup
of
coffee

readies
your
account

the
wax
has
cooled

and
in
position
to
record

your
chalk
line

Tiko, I've gone back and forth, first reading the N as the torture victim, but with the chalk outline in last S, it swings back and suggests the N is the torturer. A interesting dilemma! Tom

Maybe just outline, Tiko.

Love the slow movement here, Tiko.

milner

tiko, also enjoying this. 
one way or another [can't say why] the opening word of mercy niggles.  when i swap mercy for patience, allowing patience its swim and mercy its cup-bottom dregs --- the flow seems, maybe, easier to the ready your account and what follows. 

ld

Tom/Maggie,

i will try just outline to see how
that plays.

Milner,
thanks.

Lynn,

i like the suggestion and will try it out.

thanks,

tiko

Swapping mercy out for patience just made the opening dull as dust for me, Tiko.
Read it out loud both ways. Listen to what mercy does to the opening stanza.

Listen to how patience manipulates dregged as opposed to mercy.

Maggie

i can see what you're saying. 

thanks,

tiko

I enjoyed reading the replies and noting the edits. will return again, tiko
what is posted at the moment is very effective


Stella

thanks, Stella.

tiko

Tiko, as I said, I like reading this as addressed to the torturer, so I'd leave that last S off, ending strongly on "positioned to record" -- just me? -- dunno. Tom

when i consider it according your interpretation, the reading is stronger.
the statement and the scene gets darker, more desperate.  i like it.
and as i believe in trying on things (outside of curried/yogurted/sour creamed
food and pink shirts), i'll give it a run. 

thanks for your interest in this being the best it can be.  i appreciate it.

tiko

Well, if you're happy with it, I sure am, Tiko. to Picks. Tom

i am happy with it.  
the chalk outline just
seemed out of place
when you consider the
picture you presented to
me.  and, when it was
removed, it worked it's way
back to the title so well.  
the last stanza came across
as trying to do too much.

your suggestion was spot on,
and i'm happy to have received
it.  it's why i'm not shy about
trying things on.

thanks for the pick as well.  

tiko