I seek
neither glory nor fame,
the trademarks of youth

in shipyards lay
long forgotten ships
painted with rust
and streaks
of seagull artistry

their frames
built
to carry heavy loads

Hi James,
some nice images here but a few bits that jarred with me I'm afraid.

Would long forgotten ships (buit strongly enough to carry heavy loads) sway in the wind? also at the end of the second stanza I think you need a stop. The beginning of the third stanza needs sorting slightly from a grammar perspective. Do the ships lie or is it the past tense - but then the rest won't make sense....

I liked the streaks of seagull artistry, v. good. Not sure they'd be perfectly painted anymore though....
Just my thoughts fwiw,
Marc

James, a terser version might highlight what, to me, is most interesting here: the image of the abandoned ships of youth being greater, stronger than those of adulthood. -Tom

I seek
neither glory nor fame,
the trademarks of youth

in shipyards lay
long forgotten ships
painted with rust
and streaks
of seagull artistry

their frames
built
to carry heavy loads

James, Here's a suggestion to tighten up your excellent image of rust and seagull artistry. maggie

ships of rust and seagull artistry
lie long forgotten in watery graves.

thanks marc

i see what you mean.
i have made some changes

regards

james

hi tom

thanks for the suggestions. less is defintely more.
the piece seems much improved

all the best

james

hi maggie

thanks for the suggestion

much appreciated

cheers

james

enjoyed the condensed
version much better! 

excellent edits.

tiko

thanks tiko

glad you enjoyed it

cheers

james

A thought on a tigher opening, James.

I seek neither the glory of youth
nor its fame.

Trademarks seems like a telling, a marketing word.

Think a bit more on your use of words: rust implies lack of use, so do you need to say long forgotten?

And seagull artistry is a fantastic image and an implied action all by itself, so ask yourself do you need to say painted?

Remember, a good poem of just a few lines can blind you to white space.

Maggie