I walk  a broken beach
where whipped sand
carves her name.

Framed on blown
breakwaters
sullen gulls grumble
of old pains.

Out in grey curls
narwhals point
to unicorns with
mermaid riders.

Such are the fantasies
oceans offer
drowned pilots
and lost insiders.

last stanza was a surprise with
drowned pilots.  i like it.
a very 'jimi hendrix' type vibe
you got here (sounds like a
great high).


thanks,

tiko

also particulary like last S, Marc, the whole idea of milieau of death offering things to the dead. Tom

Thanks Tom and Tiko. Hendrix hey? True, I've often been tempted to cover my poems with lighter fuel and set them ablaze.

Yes, the end S somehow brings the traditional and fanciful into a contemporary stinger of a closing.

Couple of minor changes - sullen things don't screech - they grumble! Other changes to improve flow (and narwhal didn't need a capital),
Thanks all,
Marc

Marc, William Packard asks, "Does the poem have a strong enough opening?" It's what I ask.

This is what I hear from the draft as is:

Today I walk *Chopped. Where is N is walking?
along a broken beach ** I think why wasn't 'broken beach' in the opening line; it sets up immediate possibilities for the reader to connect with.
where whipped sand ***Yeah?

Ditto "framed against, Out in grey curls".  Interesting lines are crucial to the rhythm of a poem.
If you're writing to form first, you're cheating the poem and the reader. Write the poem, first.
It will form itself as you revise. And more than anything, listen to the line.

A suggestion to put the 1S in line lengths more interesting to read than the opening of "Today I walk".

I walk along a broken beach
where whipped sand carves
her name in the hour.

Wonderful last stanza, but my ear wants to hear the weight of what 'the' added to 'fantasies' does to flow, energy.

Such are (the)* fantasies 
the sea offers
to drowned pilots
and lost insiders.

Maggie

Thanks Maggie.
Couple of edits along the lines you suggest which tighten it up a bit I hope.

Marc