Sure, you have a mile-high tower of problems.
We could both spend our time
laboring up stone steps toward the gay pennants,
or we could leave a squad
of elves to keep an eye on things
and mount up, to ride over the rise.
Worst comes to worst,
we reach a desert and invoke the Şlāh al-Āstsqā,

       Other rains once fell and other rains shall fall
       But the rain that falls is
       The rain that falls
       And that is the rain the plants will drink and reservoirs
       Collect until a new rain falls
       Which might be the rain that kills or might
       Be the rain that ends our drought of zeal
       Though we don't pray for either cruel
       Or gentle rain but we pray
       For any rain at all to wet the soil.

Please lead me? I'm a slave of prudence
and it's you who knows adventure
to be air. If fathers were entrusted
to their sons, how marvelous
our lives would be! Has anyone tried it,
one dad embarked with his boy
for points unknown, with no provisions
but their feet and smiles on their lips?

The idea puts a smile on my lips right now
and you would jump for joy.
We could say a few goodbyes and leave
with brand new minds in five minutes.

I've read parts of this before.  I like it even better now.  Love the adventure and air thing.  And I think I like it better now because it's less about children and romance has been added.

And I am so sorry that I love romantic poems so much.  You'd think as a mother I'd like mother-father-children poems, which I do if they're really good, but I think inside I really pine for the romantic, and if it's in a poem, oh my that does me in....

and just think...all that and this poem is not nearly as romantic as some of your other ones.

The one thing I don't like is the few good-byes.  Must they say good-bye?  Can't it just go on forever and still have brand new minds?

cheryl

Appreciate your take here, Cheryl. Thanks! Tom

moving to Submit

Neither I, nor the internet know what "Şlāh al-Āstsqā" is...  might it more commonly be differently transliterated?

I enjoyed this very much.  If it has a weak section, it is in the first six lines, I feel it is only with:

"Worst comes to worst
we reach a desert and invoke the Şlāh al-Āstsqā."

that it really gets into its stride.  Wouldn't "Worst comes to worst..." be a great opening?

OK, so I have committed the worlds easiest crit by telling a poet:

        cut the end/beginning* ___** lines

        (*delete as applicable
         **insert number here)

but it has to be right occasionally :-)

Ian

Thank you, Ian. I will spend some time with those opening lines and consider your thoughts about them. In the meantime, I changed the period to comma at "Şlāh al-Āstsqā," so that what it is becomes that much easier to see. Tom

Hi Tom,

I did realise you were quoting it/from it...  but I still don't know what it is :-)

Other than "probably Arabic, possibly religious, definitely philosophical, probably old" that is...

Ian

You're right on all counts, Ian, it's just a prayer for rain. If I can figure out a good way to remove this troublesomeness, I will. Thanks for thoughtson it. Tom

Oh, it's not that big a problem.  Sorry.

I just feel I should I point out when I don't get a reference, in case it leads me off in the wrong direction for the whole poem.  So I mentioned it, but in this case I don't think my ignorance was at all a problem.  The poem worked anyway.

Ian