"The so-called freedom you're constantly blabbering about is nothing
but abstraction, Tom. Once you give it definition, edges enter
the picture. Genesis describes a time when there only was water
and an overneath where a spirit moved—free—mind without weight over
weight without mind. Remember our night at Seabright? The blackened tuna?
We didn't get what we dreamed about but what we got was good. What's real
breaks the legs of thoughts, brings tears, and serves food with hot sauces. We ate what
the waiter brought and a hundred dances hid inside the spicy crust,
half a dozen margaritas bloomed in our brains, and the skinny-dip
we took in full moon-lit obsidian was the highlight of our month.
Your 'freedom' would have brought us just the grilled fish that we ordered—rare, fresh,
but without the clarity of unintended consequences, dead."

bravo.  a wonderful
journey.  thanks for
penning it.

as one poet said,
'a mirror of the mirror'.
              - Ruth Stone

i think this is ready
for submit, and
beyond.

tiko


tiko

good stuff, Tom
enjoyed reading


Stella

enjoyed for the most part.  a tad disappointed with the sweat f the brow after such a fine journey.

ld

Tiko and Stella and Lynn, thank you all very much for reading and reacting. I do agree, Lynn, about the end, and am working toward something stronger there. Tom

Tom, I don't think you should change it.  Personally, I'm roughing some hardness these days, and I'd have a read a fortnight to read 'What's real breaks the legs of thoughts, brings tears...' cause that's where I'm at right now--facing reality, and it's by the sweat of my brow.

The last stanza is good, and very meaningful,
cheryl

thank you Cheryl. I'm hoping the "sweat of our brow" still echoes in "blade of our plow", but that the latter phrase also hews to the image it follows better. let's see.
I'm glad some of the other lines resonate with you, though wish it were under better circumstances. Tom

to submit

Blade of our plow is good too.  As long as it's hard work you're talking about, I'm with ya'.

cheryl

I think brow just seemed to fit because that's where the 'mind' is.

Thanks. I hate that when someone says they like something particulary but then you feel like you should change it anyway. Tom

yep, it's that time!

to picks.

tiko

Hey, thank you, Tiko! Tom

You give me too much credit, Silent, for which I thank you. Really, I just thought that "Sea Bright with blackened tuna" made too much of Bright/blackened, to the detriment on the narrative at that point. Such a wonderful name anyway you spell it. Tom

which reminds me, when is "silverbrite" season -- the one affordable wild fresh salmon?

Like it much, Tom, but think it works without that last stanza.

milner

You're absolutely right, Milner, thank you.
There a few revisions in S1 to cut S2, but will get to work on that as soon as I can.
Tom