shredded wheat


          god stumped into the kitchen shaking off light like a wet dog
          it fell in pools to the floor
          he shrugged and smiled
          we had shredded wheat and bananas for breakfast
          he used a lot of sugar
          his hair was black and shiny as a raven's butt
          none of that white-haired windy-bearded shit
          he wore tennis shoes and a t-shirt that said
          EASY DOES IT
          he stood up
          -gotta go
          keep up the good work kid-
          he smiled like a tuna boat at sunset
          and set off down the street spilling light and tipping over dogs

Tom,

the last two stanzas are
good, but what comes
before doesn't build up
to it.  i'm moving this to
the workshop as i think
it needs more work. 

thanks,

tiko

I love it - love the whole thing from first to last word.  I do kindof want to read "tripping" instead of "tipping" in the last line, but it's a little thing.  I like the light and dog repeated in the last line, pulls the poem around like a circle....can I move it to submit? (so I can pick it?)

M

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



shredded wheat


          god stumped into the kitchen shaking off light like a wet dog
          it fell in pools to the floor
          he shrugged and smiled
          we had shredded wheat and bananas for breakfast
          he used a lot of sugar
          his hair was black and shiny as a raven's butt
          none of that white-haired windy-bearded shit
          he wore tennis shoes and a t-shirt that said
          EASY DOES IT
          he stood up
          -gotta go
          keep up the good work kid-
          he smiled like a tuna boat at sunset
          and set off down the street spilling light and tipping over dogs


tom mccoy


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



dear Tom

i have to tend to agree with Michelle here

let's throw on the circuit breakers to the editors nest
and find a nice shelf to highlight this one on.

much enjoyed
silent lotus

Found the switch from 'he' to 'we' and then 'he' again in lines 3,4,5, a mite awkward. Like the poem, Tom.

milner

i love this site.
this speaks to
its richness and
diversity.
 
moving to submit
for Michelle.

tiko

 

I love it, too, tiko.  And this poem.  And much prefer tipping to tripping -- I think because tripping is a physical bit of a bad step, whereas tipping is an act made willfully and, oh my, how that works for me in combination with spilling sunshine -- as if the stuff of light comes by accident.

much enjoyed poem, tom mccoy.

lynn

Tom,

Who wouldn't worship this Nantucket
in God? I think this is a terrific poem,
funny, rich and well-aimed at a world
where wheat shreds, dogs tip and we
all slip on banana peels!

                   Ken Robson

This is so good.
Just a couple of thoughts on getting rid of an overabundance of 'ands'
and moving 'tipping over dogs' to a more powerful position in the poem.

Maggie


        god stumped into the kitchen shaking off light like a wet dog
          it fell in pools to the floor
          he shrugged and smiled
          we had shredded wheat and with bananas for breakfast
          he used a lot of sugar
         
         his hair was black and shiny as a raven's butt
          none of that white-haired windy-bearded shit * Love this!!
          he wore tennis shoes and a t-shirt that said
          EASY DOES IT
          he stood up
          -gotta go
          keep up the good work kid-
          he smiled like a tuna boat at sunset
       and set off down the street spilling light(,) and
          tipping over dogs

i've read this several times now
looking for what i've missed. 
i can see the merits of the
poem.  i think the very simple
language and approach was
not connecting for me, but
the imagery is fun and different
in a very quirky way. 
   
i like Maggie's edits, and
i am so glad to have been
overruled.

thanks,

tiko

I'd miss the and usages near end if they went; for me, they're part of the N's voice.

moving for Michelle. 

tiko

I disagree, Lynn. I think they stifle the jauntiness of the image of God's hit and run visit,
and they limit the perceptible edge of wonder you can hear in the"what just happened to me" undertone
of the last line. They also slow the action down too much.

Maggie

I like the tipping now - it grew on me :)

Maggie,

If anything on that last line, I think the dropping of the first "and" before set would work, don't you?

e.g.
he smiled like a tuna boat at sunset
set off down the street spilling light and tipping over dogs

Tiko - thanks for not letting this one slip away -

I still love it, it's unique images hit me each time I read it so I'm sharing it by making it my FP pick

Michelle

It's good to be disagreed with.  Sent me back to read again with ands removed and consider your thoughts in reply #12 above.  I still find a voice change to N, a bit of the story-magic goes missing when those casual ands go.  Will say that without them there is more of the "what just happened to me" present -- but I think that's the change I'm at odds with, the slight shift from "watch this guy" to "what happened to me"

Not saying my read is right -- just saying.

ld

p.s. i like michelle's idea about the one 'and' maybe going

congrats, Tom. 
 

tiko

congrats, Tom! Tom

I knew He'd be busy in a hurly burly way.
This universe ain't gettin' any smaller.

Nicely done.

very refreshing and with lots of surprising, exact, imagery.  I did have a little trouble with "tipping" -- it is so close to "tripping"...

I missed this when it was first posted
cool pen, tom

congratulations!

Stella

Hi, Tom

I love the quirky humour, especially the reference to "a lot of sugar" - I expect He likes a few beers too.
Let's face it He's not got to watch his BMI, has he?  :)

The light/water swap is a wonderful idea.
I expect that you are British (like me) because I am inferring references to the colloquialisms
"it's raining cats and dogs" and "it's tipping it down".

Plaudits
Geoff

Thank you, Tom
Good to have you here.
Splendid.


Dax







.