(new revision)

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old hat and jacket.
Although the snow keeps falling --
you cannot scrape enough
to make him loom as large as you recall.

(first revisement)

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old hat and jacket
while the snow keeps falling
you cannot scrape enough to make
him loom as large as you recall.

(original)

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old hat and jacket
but although the snow keeps falling
you cannot scrape enough to make
its presence loom as large as you recall.

Ian, interesting choice of language. It keeps the focus on the image, its revelation. What if 'recalled' to replace 'you recall.'?

larry

ian i very much like this.  i agree with larry on the language, however that 'but although' really gets in my way.  played around with the lines a touch, hope you don't mind.  enjoy how the snowman dwarfs memory, especially since snowmen melt away.  lawrence

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old hat and jacket

the snow keeps failing and you
cannot scrape enough to make
its presence loom as large as recalled.

In last line, Ian, "his" for "its" might lend some more edge, and finesse the antecedent-confusion with "snow". Tom

Hi Larry,

I think final line is a little clumsy, but I think it ends too passively with your change.  There has to be somebody to do the recalling?  I think "presence" might be the real problem word.  I'll have to ponder on it...

Hi Lawrence,

An interesting rewrite, but I think you have accidentally inverted the logic between the snow and being unable to gather...  You'd need:

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old hat and jacket

the snow keeps failing but you
cannot scrape enough ...

Hi Tom,

You are completely correct...

I like the original.  Would like to see 'him' after recall (maybe).

ld

i love the top poem in the first post (the revision i think!) - such a great image you created which carries a strong weight with it. Great job

Good work, Ian. Not sure about the 'as you recall' - how about  'as in life'?

milner

Ian,

good edits here.  think you might
need a line break, or even an indent
to slow the reader going into L4. Maybe
even a dash at the end of L3 might work.

just a thought.

thanks,

tiko

Consider switching jacket and hat.

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old jacket and hat


 
while the snow keeps falling*

* This is the disconnect for me. It occurs in the action going on in the image.
I'd go back to using 'though' and make the appropriate adjustments.

though the snow keeps falling
you can't scrape enough to make

Use the contraction can't for cannot.

Round file whatever doesn't work for you.

Maggie

You might dress the snowman
in your dad's old jacket and hat
(line break)
though the snow keeps falling
you can't scrape enough to make
its shape loom as large as you recall him

Lynn -- I think that "him" on the end would be too much of a tell?

Casey -- I have tried another edit, but I am quite open to you saying the previous revision was better...

Milner -- "as you recall" is the problem phrase, but the thesaurus doesn't help and I think a reference to "life" is a bit telly..?

tiko -- I agree, I'm trying it as you suggest.  I also split into two sentences, which may or may not be a good thing (but is better grammar.)

Maggie -- agreed about "though" although and trying, err, "although..."

Have tried a full stop instead of a strophe break, but I am tempted by the latter.

I think "cannot" is better, it's pure iambic with it and I don't think I need to stress that word as it would to change the beats.

Thanks all!

As I said, have edited it again, but may be getting into the zone of an edit too far by now.

Regards,

Ian

Ian, I know how these things get under your skin and I am most sorry for focusing the last line again, but it just dawned on me that the information in "you recall' or "you recalled" lies in the image of "dad's old hat and jacket." so what if it ended:

to make him loom as large as that.

Might change the sense too much, but for me it drives me back into the poem dragging my recall with me...

just a thought.

larry

For me, Ian, this version is clearest and delivers on the emotion. Tom

for me, the snow keeps falling
is irrelevant.  the action is in
the snowman.

tiko

Ian, I like the him where you've added it.