---

fingers are
loose threads
binding arms

legs tangle 
wrap-around
blankets

hips tugged
by the moon

torso steady
as steel

your body
a murmur

mine
a secret

---

more notes::

http://www.poetrycircle.com/index.php/topic,17059.0.html

had an idea to remove all the 'your'(s) so I did, but for some reason, to me, this poem still needs something.  thought I'd try it, though, since it was really a dream, sort of.  sometimes dreams are no more than dreams, I suppose.  maybe I should add that.

love the introduction of "dark blue", Cheryl. find S1-2 stronger than S3...Tom

Cheryl,

i had the same idea on my first reads.

it could be line breaks and words like wave and secret, oft used words when referencing intimacies. 


your fingers are
loose threads
tangling arms    --        [maybe binding to give a stronger sense of connection]
wrap-around     --        [maybe a good spot for legs or thighs, or even lips to change it up a bit.  lips wrap around
blankets                     things too and mouths warm could also hyphenate arms to reference wrap-around blankets]

hips
waves        --        [think this can do more.  a different reference than waves maybe?]
of the
ocean

torso
only a
whisper


[last stanza not really doing anything, IMO.]

please forgive my liberties.

tiko

I think you could end at 'secret.' (told is unnecessary) and the last, as Tiko noted is doing much. However, S3 is the poem. Hot.

larry

Thanks Tom, tiko, and Larry.  Changed a few things per your mention.  Found the word susurrus, new to me, but I like the sound of it.  Doesn't mean it works though.  If you/anyone happens by, please let me know.

Also thought of using 'delivers' or 'moan' or something like that with body.

Thank you,
cheryl

it's a fine looking and sounding word, and a perfect usage for it! something of a tradeoff, as with most obscure words, but seems worth it here. tom

I know what you mean about trade-off.  You don't want to use an obscure word in place of another and let it look that way.  We want words to look like they belong where they are.  I hope I'm not doing that with this word.  I like the word because it just sounds sort of erotic or whatever and because of the 's' and 'us' sounds.

but I need to know if it's not working.

cheryl

Cheryl,

i like the changes.  i'm still feeling out the new word.  can't say it's working for me.  i say that because all the actions are so familiar, so basic, so real, and then i hit the word susurrus.  i also think it distorts the rhythm in that stanza.  but, that's my initial reaction.

love the new direction.  simpler. refined. 

might you consider a change:

legs tangled
wrap-around
blankets

giving legs action vs. being a simile?

thanks,

tiko

Like the poem, Cheryl, but not sure that 'susurrus', though great sounding, with its meaning of a murmur quite fits. But that's your call.

milner

Understand both of you.  Like 'murmur' if you don't mind, milner, which is a synonym for 'whisper' too.

will make changes.
thanks so much.

cheryl

"murmur" is no slouch of a word either!!

No it isn't.  When I looked up synonyms for whisper, it was one of them, but I thought it might be as cliche as whisper.  So, per my usual, I went overboard looking for the right word.

Thanks for the stamp of your approval, Tom

cheryl

Really like the revising that went into this. The word susurrus was too heavy and though murmur is over used, look at how clear the emotion comes through with its use. One more thought; (you know you will be revising this next year) the title. Look at how tactile the poem is, nothing particularly dream like. Worth another look later.

Meanwhile, and please excuse this digression, this poem is about what so many poems toss into the fountain that it is hard for it to become anything worth the effort to read, but I think you've done it. A brief glimpse at the old stuff with enough electricity to make it worth a reader's, both young and old, glance. Moving it up.

larry