As he drew his last, ragged dying breath,
I read a volume of knowledge in his eyes.
A library packed full of real hard core facts;
aisles of articles seen and rejected by me,
lots more than he ever wanted me to see.

The pain and burden was so much more
than a sixteen year old should have to bare.
I cried tears of mercy from deep in my soul,
turned, empty, and walked away from history.


Second Try

As he drew his last, ragged breath,
I read a volume of knowledge in his eyes.
A library packed with hard core facts;
aisles of articles from life lines in his eyes
were read and rejected by me,
more than he ever wanted me to see.

Books spoke of the pain and burden was more
than a sixteen year old should have to bare.
I cried tears of mercy from deep in my soul,
turned, empty, and walked away from history.

welcome, jamie. end of line 4 reads a bit awkward to me, and the rhyme there maybe overkill tonewise anyway, but an interesting poem all through. tom

jamie welcome.  i might trim up a few lines to avoid repetition and dullness - looking at L1, 'last' and 'dying' imply the same. rather, i think 'as he drew his ragged dying breath' is a touch sharper.  again in L3, 'full of real hard core facts' is a mouth full, and again, i think 'packed' implies 'full'.  something such as 'a library packed of real, core facts' might roll better.  the start of L5 i think you can drop 'lots'.  for me, also feel that first two lines of S2 are out of place in style with the rest of the piece.  enjoyed reading your piece jamie, and again, welcome, look forward to reading more. lawrence

Thank you Tom and Lawrence for reading and making comments so I might improve my writing.
Jamie

the missing "the" awkward in L6, but the trimming seems good otherwise. L4 still weird at the end, and "proofread and rejected" doesn't quite make sense to me, Jamie. Tom

Welcome Jamie.  What emotional punches this poem packs.  I almost had to stop after reading it to gather breath.  It's fascinating how you've taken dry activities (archiving, proof-reading etc) and imbued them with intense feeling.

The revision is good but the last line doesn't work for me, perhaps because it feels too closed down.  It would have much greater resonance I feel if it ended like this:

I cried tears of mercy from deep in my soul,
turned, empty, and walked away.

Look forward to hearing more of your voice,  k

Interesting this one, Jamie, revealing the ability we have to put thoughts in others' heads which reveal more about ourselves than they may the reality of another.

I often object to the use of 'soul', because it's so often used carelessly and is a word with so many interpretations. I don't object to it here on those grounds, your usage has a clear meaning, but I do think the line is stronger if you cut 'in my soul', as from 'deep', unqualified, is very powerful. I'd also be tempted to end thus:

'I cried tears of mercy from deep,
turned, empty. Walked away.'

milner

Thank you Cheryl, I will reach in and see what I can do.
Thank you Tom, I agree about the missing the. Rejected by me, means she did not like what she saw or read there.
Thank you Kevin and Milner. I will think about taking off history on last line. My thought of it being there was because of the whole library metaphors and thought history in the library and the man's history would be appropriate so not sure yet. Hope to get some other view poiints on last line.
Jamie

It's not the meaning, it's the passive tense that sounds odd to me, "rejected by me" rather than "I rejected". I can't think of anyone who would both proofread and reject articles, so that bit of metaphor doesn't quite add up to me. "read and rejected" would do nicely probably. tom

Welcome, Jamie,

IMO you are beginning in the middle of the poem
without setting the stage.  Everyone so far
seems to understand - but I think there are more
like me who need clariification. I question everything.
I don't see any poetic techniques in this narrative. It
begins without an introduction and leaves too many
questions unanswered.  i also think that soul
should be avoided.  I suggest more simplicity in
the last stanza and some adjustments in the format,
so that it will not read like prose unless that is your intent.
Regards.
Marion A.   

Thank you Tom. I agree and am changing it now. Good suggestion.
Marion, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. IMO, its not even close to a prose and I believe in leaving a bit for the reader to think about. Thanks for the comment though. Good luck.
Jamie