below an other look / revision /

silent
"day-day"
"mist-missed"
then the juxtaposition
of the magical mist minutes
and everyday coffee drinking -
as usual you take us to several different places
and times to listen to their simultaneous overtones,
as usual a challenge that makes the mind feel fitter afterwards! tom

Enjoyed, SL. I've just the feeling that if you took the 'had' out of line 5, it would make that sucking of oranges more potent in its directness. Because of a later 'had', though, a lot may depend on how you read it.

milner

thought i might also mention that traditionally Blood Oranges
are ripe for eating lets say from December through April.

an other look / revision / .......also placed next to the original at the beginning of this thread

Dear SL,  a wonder of thought, feeling, place, abstraction.   Quite delightful.

"The dawn of a waveless ocean" is my favourite line...

I prefer the simplicity of the first version, visually.  The greater fragmentation of the other versions disturbs its flow to my eye.

k

basically quite refreshing and provocative, though "sucked on . . . blood. . ." makes that image vampirish to me.  Maybe some other kind of orange or other fruit?  I find the red of blood oranges rather unpleasant also, it being so dark.

"The dawn of a waveless/Ocean" makes a great visual in version 2, SL. "Between the green/Mountains" has presented an envisioning challenge to me, in both versions, still haven't really incorporated it into my overall reading, so don't really know which version I would choose....Tom

dear Jonathan

i really appreciate your sharing the vampirish element with me.
it is a dimension that never came into play for me personally or do i ever remember
anyone else mentioning it to me either.... so thank you for expressing what the
hue does for you.

Blood oranges for me always seem to cause a great uproar of happiness
on the open air markets in Europe and one has to rush to get some
before they disappear each winter.

miles of smiles
silent lotus

I much prefer the 2nd Draft, Silent Lotus.  I love the title.  I like the position of the dawn of a waveless ocean in the centre of the poem, the shape of the poem like the light drifting in to those coffee drinkers...Fab.  I'm picking this.

You never mention it, but the poem oozes stultifying heat.  I really like that.