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  when memories fade (revised)
« on: March 06, 2010, 11:55:35 PM » by Tiko Lewis
when memories
fade

time turns
to ash

fossils they
become

flowers
decisions
victories
family
lovers

all
fossils

rusted
cracked
withered
patinaed

they
become
fossils


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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: fossils
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2010, 08:58:34 AM » by cherylleverette
I like this tiko.  You cover all the meanings of 'fossil' very well.

cheryl
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A poet dares be just so clear and no clearer.... He unzips the veil from beauty, but does not remove it.  A poet utterly clear is a trifle glaring.  ~E.B. White

  Re: fossils
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2010, 12:40:36 PM » by Tiko Lewis
thanks Cheryl,

i'm still tinkering with it.

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2010, 01:58:08 PM » by Franklin Delano Harden
Like the mood and introspection of this. A tiny suggestion, tho' not qualified: try 'time turns to ash.'
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Me vale madre.

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2010, 01:59:59 PM » by Tiko Lewis
Franklin,

i like the suggestion.  i'll try it on.

thanks,

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2010, 10:54:20 PM » by Tom Riordan
when memories
fade

time turns
to ash

flowers
petrify

fossils they
become

decisions
victories
family
lovers

all
fossils

rusted
cracked
withered
patinaed

covered
forgotten
You get a good head of steam going but that last S anticlimactic, Tiko. can't end on "patinaed," but "forgotten" just seems so blah to me at that point. Tom
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  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2010, 08:17:13 AM » by Casey Quinn
tiko, i am with tom on this that i enjoyed this but the ending was a bit of a let down for me. you show using all of your images the breakdown, not sure forgotten is strong enough to follow the lines prior
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Casey Quinn
My second poetry chapbook Prepare To Crash is now available from Big Table Publishing. Pick up a copy today !

Read some good short prose and poetry - Short Story Library

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2010, 12:40:48 PM » by Tiko Lewis
Tom/Casey,

thanks for the input.  i will address those 2 lines. 

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2010, 01:19:59 PM » by John Yamrus
tiko;
i think i'd reverse this:

fossils they
become


they become
fossils.

just a thought.  in light of the line breaks it makes just a touch more sense.
john
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  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 01:36:13 PM » by Tiko Lewis
John,

that's perfect.  of all the things i was considering (more process of fossilization, etc), this makes the most sense. 

thanks sir for your input. i greatly appreciate it.

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: when memories fade (revised ending)
« Reply #10 on: March 09, 2010, 07:33:01 AM » by Tiko Lewis
Tom and Casey,

changes have been made. 

thanks for your help.

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: when memories fade
« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2010, 07:56:42 AM » by silent lotus
dear Tiko

i am enjoying following the growth and expansiveness
of the consciousness of fossiling through this thread
and your re writes.

for the sake of more great poems...
hope that your Jelly Beans will always be fresh !


miles of smiles
silent lotus
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  Re: when memories fade (revised ending)
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2010, 08:46:56 AM » by Tiko Lewis
dear Tiko

i am enjoying following the growth and expansiveness
of the consciousness of fossiling through this thread
and your re writes.

for the sake of more great poems...
hope that your Jelly Beans will always be fresh !


miles of smiles
silent lotus


Silent Lotus,

thanks.  always good to receive comments from you.  i, too, hope the jelly beans are preserved. 

tiko
Logged

...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

 (Read 539 times) [1]
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