PoetryCircle
ContemporaryPoetryForum
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.


« PoetryCircleThe WritingSubmit your poetry • Topic: will honor you »
ThreadTools

Print







 (Read 743 times) 1 [2]  All

  Re: will honor you
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2010, 11:51:31 PM » by Tom Riordan
Sorry for not being clearer above. In this new version, the sequence of images is different, but in the original the progression from specific/detailed Nerikoh to the more general "fragrance of spiced wood" didn't feel right; and I looked in the Song of Solomon where the progression goes in the other direction, from general to more specific. But that issue's gone in this version of your poem. What remains is the placement of just plain old "tea" after very detailed images:

bring spring plums
     yellow orchids
     Nerikoh and tea

as opposed to some very specific tea; but I think it works now. In last stanza, I imagine the soft ash as that left from the Nerikoh, though, so maybe "tea and Nerikoh" in L8? Not sure. All so delicate. Just floating thoughts back to you! Tom



I'll honor you
 
     remove your shoes
     fold scarlet cloth
     beneath your feet
     amid agarwood

     bring spring plums
     yellow orchids
     Nerikoh and tea

     with kisses
     soft as whiteash


Logged

 (Read 743 times) 1 [2]  All
Jump to:  
MemberTools

Home
Help
Calendar
Members List
Statistics
Login
Register



LatestNews

Follow PoetryCircle on Twitter.

SiteStats

191259 Posts
18130 Topics
1517 Members
Latest Member: David Gwilym Anthony


Support PoetryCircle








PoetryCircle | Powered by SMF 1.1.15.
© 2005, Simple Machines. All Rights Reserved.

Simplicity design by BlocWeb