---

I'll honor you
 
     remove your shoes
     fold scarlet cloth
     beneath your feet
     amid agarwood

     bring spring plums
     yellow orchids
     Nerikoh and sencha

     with kisses
     soft as whiteash

---

Can only say that I am enamoured by 1st and 2nd to last verses.

I'm going to rewrite this one.  These rules are broken in a big way, but the heart's sincere.

cheryl

Ok tiko, I've used your edit.  Not all but most.  If further changes need to be made, please explain to me why and I'll comply.  You spoke of repetition.  I don't think I can use it effectively here.  There may be something else you'd suggest.

Thanks for your help,
cheryl

love the edits.  love the changes you've made. 

tiko

Oh hi there Tiko.  Thanks I'm glad you like them.  I think I may have made a change before your last comment.

cheryl

has a lovely air like "song of solomon"

I love the song of songs:

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth--
For your love is better than wine,
Because of the fragrance of your good ointments,
Your name is ointment poured forth;
... Draw me away!
 
"... A bundle of myrhh is my beloved to me,
That lies all night between my breasts.
 
"... He brought me to the banqueting house,
And his banner over me was love.
Sustain me with cakes of raisins,
Refresh me with apples,
For I am lovesick.
 
"His left hand is under my head,
And his right hand embraces me."
 
"... The voice of my beloved!
Behold, he comes
Leaping upon the mountains,
Skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.
Behold, he stands behind our wall;
He is looking through the windows,
Gazing through the lattice."

"My beloved spoke, and said to me:
'Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away.
For lo, the winter is past,
The rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth;
The time of singing has come,
And the voice of the turtledove
Is heard ....
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.' "
 
This is what my beloved spoke, and said to me.

Thanks for reminding me of it.
cheryl

Could an editor please move this to submit.  Thanks, cheryl

this is lovely.  do you need 'spiced' to modify 'wood'?  i ask because when i read without the modifier, the wood opens in two directions -- to the scent of cedar or pine or sandalwood --- and also the scent of a forest or grove or copse.  'spiced' does resonate with the exotic sensory details offered, but you have such lovely details evoking the exotic already, i thought the 'spiced' might be omitted without losing the quality you've achieved.

ld

p.s. just saw your note requesting a move; will gladly do so.

Cheryl, after the "Nerikoh" incense, then (too plain?) "tea," your return to "fragrance" seems out of order or redundant or anti-climactic or clashes with the incense or something. I see in SOS, it goes the other way, from general to specific -- "fragrance" to "myrrh." This poem being so simple and beautiful - and so Japanese - it is worth perfecting, IMO. Tom

I admire the timelessness of these lovely words.
This rather begs to be read aloud.
~Dale

Lynn, didn't know you commented on this.  No, wood doesn't need 'fragrant'.  It appears from comments this one needs further work.

Sorry I didn't reply to your comment sooner,
cheryl

Tom, can you explain this a little clearer.  I'm not sure exactly what you're saying.

Thanks in advance,
cheryl

Dale thanks so much.  I made some changes.  Hope you still like the poem.

cheryl

Sorry for not being clearer above. In this new version, the sequence of images is different, but in the original the progression from specific/detailed Nerikoh to the more general "fragrance of spiced wood" didn't feel right; and I looked in the Song of Solomon where the progression goes in the other direction, from general to more specific. But that issue's gone in this version of your poem. What remains is the placement of just plain old "tea" after very detailed images:

bring spring plums
     yellow orchids
     Nerikoh and tea

as opposed to some very specific tea; but I think it works now. In last stanza, I imagine the soft ash as that left from the Nerikoh, though, so maybe "tea and Nerikoh" in L8? Not sure. All so delicate. Just floating thoughts back to you! Tom