This one is more confusing, but the form parallels the subject.  Baby's dying and calling in debts are all about jagged disconfigured thinking.  And is also too vital a subject to not understand.  I'd like to...better.

cheryl

yes, I think you're exactly right. thank you. tom

I changed my text size view to smallest and I could see how you had words lined up.  I get confused around the gold area.  Now I'll go to qen and see what that does.  It is frustrating how the view makes such a difference and can be different on everyone's screen.  Maybe I can take 'qen' and do it the way we did 'Obama Sits'.  Remember that?

cheryl

I figured out what I was doing with this one--reading is my problem.  I was reading a 'what' twice and it was confusing me. 

There's something horrific, Tom, about losing your baby and having a spouse call in debts at the same time.  You convey the pain very well--as though it happened yesterday.

I certainly hope it didn't.

It's hard for me to write well about things that are or were extremely painful to me.  I get all muddled up in the pain and can't think of a metaphor or conceit because the ability is just not there.

cheryl 

you're right, there are some experiences that don't lend themselves well to poetic device, and this draft here may be over the line -- the form too fanciful in its present shape, maybe. something I have to look at, and appreciate your bringing it up.

p.s. have revised a bunch and cut a bit..closer now do you think?

Yes, it's better.  The only thing that concerns me is that most people will read from left to right, I think.  In this one, you read in groups, which is the way pain is--clumps of moments, of thoughts, disorganized.  I don't know really.  Maybe they won't.  Maybe they'll read it the way it's supposed to be read.

I, however, love this form for the simple power of it.  No matter what, I hope you stick with it.

yes might require some re-dis-orientation of reader but hopefully just for a moment at the git-go and then there's enough "reward" (sense) in the clump-reading to keep on track after that. if there isn't, then it's just failing. tom

tom, a challenge, i am getting far into it but there is one part on the right side under luck which is trhowing me, i get luck is what you used when our baby died or luck you used when our baby died either wya it loses me a little there. left side good and ending good - interesting challenge. i have my ee cummings book nearby makes me want to go get it

casey, thank you for the careful look. revised to try to sharpen that part up. tom

hi tom i read straight through and i enjoyed it. this may not be the original version but i think when we share our narrative it's always left to right, even though our thoughts are not.

i think the confusion for the reader is spot on. there are certain words that stand out. there seems to be a tenderness underneath all of the cruelty and the poet is trying to process it all.

maybe i'm reading too much into it but that's what i get.

Yours seems like a great reading to me, Freddy, thanks for the look and the report, Tom

..moving from Workshop to Submit..

Hey Tom,

This form is sometimes referred to as a 'flicker' poem.  I generally like the form, though I've never tackled it myself, and I think you've got a nice parallel running here although something seems off-kilter in the first couple of pairing and I think it might just be a matter of spacing or shifting a word down a line?


Tim

A little hard to read but then I read again and much enjoyed the sad poem. I think it's only a matter of moving a wrote down a line or so myself. At the same time, I enjoyed this and amazing how well we can read when words are not written in a certain structure. Great work.
Jamie

thanks  for the thoughtful reads, Jamie and Tim. you both mention moving something down a line...but what? I went and looked once, will go back now. tom

Hey Tom, it's a little hard to explain, but it seems like the 2nd line 'was not' is creating the confusion for me between the two halves. 

Tom, you've set a challenge here.  Are the words intended to line in some way?  If not, the sheer jumble of them has immense power in conveying the disintegration that must follow the loss of a baby.

This is one I dearly wish I could hear you read....

k

Thank you very much, Tim. I will dig back in there and take a long look at that spot...your reading as two fairly separate halves very much suggested by layout, but may be the problem I have to fix. Tom

Thanks for looking at this, Kevin. There is no linear reading that I'm proposing, but small interacting clusters of words. I've gone to see if/how I could read it aloud, and it would involve backtracks and misrepetitions; it would be good for 2 or 3 simultaneous voices going down different paths. But the narrative bone, if all that were stripped off, would be something like this, I think:

my mind was not like your mind. you once said luck means good teeth but you were wrong. luck is what you used to fill in a hole with love when our baby died while you called in your debts from me.

--Tom