my misdeeds
rest
in plastic
green
Adirondack
chairs

suck fat
of chewed
meat

look over a
pasture
where
corn won't
grow

throw
spikes
at the dogs
who'd lick
their scars

You've got me curious, Tiko. I also notice how well concrete objects inhabit tiny lines like these, but the abstractions less so:

in a plastic
green

Adirondack
chair

high
above the
noise of
shadows

having
never
seen

Or is it just me? Anyway, love that Adirondack chair. Tom

thanks tom.  the ending and the line breaks are giving me hell. 

i'm working on it.

thanks,

tiko

I have an understanding of this that rests on a couple of a symbols--pockmarks as scars, yellow as fear.  Sins are sins.  We all have them.  Your comments seem to say you're not finished here, in light of that, I'd say you're doing a very good job.

cheryl

I also like the Adirondack chairs image.

Liking this much, Tiko. I wonder if another word could be found for 'sins'. That word is so 'weighted' with quasi religious connotations.

milner

------------------original--------------------




my sins
rest

in plastic
green

Adirondack
chairs

high
above the

noise of
shadows

never
to see

the pockmarks
on my hands

the yellow
in my eyes

or the lies
under the rug

Cheryl and Mikael,

thanks for the read and the feedback.

Milner,
your suggestion was well received.  changes have been made.


could an editor please move this to submit?

thanks,

tiko

..moving from Workshop to Submit board..

Still looking good, Tiko!

cheryl

thanks Cheryl.  reconsidering the last two stanzas, or just the last stanza.  that always happens when i move something from the workshop. 

tiko

Yes, me too.

c

still like to see you wrestle those last two stanzas into more specific, or concrete, image...

reworked.  reposted.

thanks Tom for the push.

tiko

Tiko, Nice job with the reworks. I enjoyed watching you work this one through. Your final product has a very good rhythm/flow. Also the imagery. Good for me.
JC