Before we knew it, drenched dropped
to mere drizzle and drops dried faster

than they fell. Nothing made a sound.
Matted straw was mulched to make

the grass slope enough for dragonflies
to skim, but nets were loosely knotted

and string scarce. North was nowhere
to be found. Day and night, we paced

down untilled rows that twisted along
with the hills, flattened out, and rolled

back to meet the sky. Yesterday, you
pointed to a line of cedars and told me

to stand speechless against these acres
while you reminisced about the rain.

Hi!

I love the sound of this and the concrete images, but I have to confess that I have no idea what's going on here.

I'm a Hopkins fan, so I loved the density of the first lines, and saddened a bit when the sound slackened.  I'm wondering if tightening the strings on the later lines might not tense up the dramatic situation as well (between the You and the I).  Just a thought.

Hello and welcome to the site. I don't believe we've ever met.

Thank you both for the once-overs. Wilma, if it helps, this is about my lack of creative inspiration and my recent experiences with a lover. That might still leave you in the dark...

Rick, I see what you mean. I'll probably do a revision of this soon where there are a few more pauses in the last few lines. You'll have to tell me what you think...

Thanks again!

-O 

Oleksa:

Greetings.  My favorite run of lines in this poem are these:

"...Yesterday, you / pointed to a line of cedars and told me / to stand speechless against these acres / while you reminisced about the rain."

Those turns of phrase, coupled with the essence of your opening couplet (perhaps not the direct present verbiage) hold something wholly beautiful.  With that said, I'd rework L1 - L10 to coalesce them into that which tends to 'feel' like L12 - L14.

That's my half penny for the moment ;)   Take care.

Carol Elizabeth

I might change "dried to drizzled over" to "dried to mere drizzle.  I think of drizzle over as a liquid topping being applied to some sort of dessert.

Other than that........I enjoyed it.  Thank you.

Desiree W.:

Greetings.  "Drizzle" carries a strong meteorological feel, too -- in the 'light / misty rain' vain.  Such usage flows into (and moistens) the poem's fine closing lines.

CEO

Hi Again Oleksa!

I get it better now--this has such an agricultural feel to it, that I wondered what kind of arcane process the two were involved in--like planting trees on a hillside or something :-).

I'm new here---but not new to online workshops. I haven't written much lately--especially not poetry. I'm glad to find a place for quality poetry.

Wilma

Ole,
The poem at this moment as displayed is quite stron with image and a sound that seems fresh. I stumpled over drenched dropped and then let it fall from my lips with the whole couplet and it works. It is interesting to try and discern whether the poem sounds as it does before or after reading the thread and its contributing footnotes. Your internal thoughts regarding the lover do not surface for me in the read--a fact that for me makes the poem stronger. I like the sense of the muse almost scolding the narrator.

nice work.

larry

I agree with Rick about the denseness of the first part of the piece. I like the piece as a whole, however.

I see what Rick & Jay mean about the tight sound loosening as it goes on down,

but it felt like a rainstorm, harder at first and then slowing up...like the rain we just had in the mountains....you could always play with it, but it works like this too!

xo Michelle

Such a tight, lovely poem. Congrats.

very nice. Seems like this happened to me. I can really smell the  'matted straw was mulched to make/ the grass slope enough...'

Wow, what a flood of comments. But yes, Michelle's right, the density of lines loosening up more and more is meant to mimic the rainstorm (also, then, my creative inspiration, etc.). This is why it'd make little sense to tighten the whole poem or relax some of the lines, which different people have urged me to do. All in all, I don't think I'll change this poem; it's the only write that's ever come to me like a bolt of lightning. Thank you all for your compliments and criticisms, I really appreciate them.

Take care.

-O